Thursday, December 30, 2010

Insightful Newspaper Headlines

Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men

Infertility Unlikely to be Passed On

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Chef Finds New Game as Rat Exterminator

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Boy Who Drowned Couldn't Swim

Cemetery Faces Grave Problems Over Space

Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold as Pet Fish

Physicist Recommends Bigger Balls to Slow Down Male Tennis Players

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Plot to Kill Officer Had Vicious Side

Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank You For Coming



To all those who came to the site in 2010, thank you for your visit and please call any time you want. There will be plenty more of the same. Humour is personal, so is opinion. Again the emphasis will be on humour and I have plenty more jokes to come, believe me.

Be safe and be here for 2011.

RayCee

Friday, December 24, 2010

Corny Wisdom

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

You've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Wise Words

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

My Mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Relationships are hard, like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before he or she leaves you, he or she should have to find you a temp."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Thoughts For The Day...

Birds of a feather flock together...and poo on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What's In A Name?


I have noticed this year that there has been some publicity to the fact that Christmas is not Christian, but in reality a pagan festival with a Christian name. Many people defend this, saying as long as it celebrates Christ's birth, it's doesn't matter.

Well imagine you got rich suddenly and you decided to treat yourself to a Bentley car. You go to the showroom and there is a car with Bentley nameplates, but it looks suspiciously like your neighbour's Kia car. You ask the salesman why a Korean car has a Bentley logo on it and is sitting in his dealership. He admits the car originated from a Kia factory in Korea, but he assures you that now it has a Bentley name, it is a true Bentley. Would you swallow that?

Then why do people think that putting a Christian name on a festival from pagan times in Europe suddenly make it a true Christian festival? You wouldn't buy the Kia with a Bentley label, so why follow a pagan festival with Christ's name associated with it?

The bottom line: A label simply doesn't change what is underneath it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Element Found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Governmentium has a normal half-life of a few years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element, which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it, has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Snoring

The guys were all at Charlie's deer camp. No one wanted to room with Charlie, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy roomed with Charlie and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They asked the first guy what happened and he said 'Charlie snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was Frank's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They asked him the same thing and he said, 'Man, that Charlie shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Billy's turn. Billy was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went in and tucked Charlie into bed, patted him on the butt, then kissed him good night. Charlie sat up and watched me all night.'

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Philosophy

A philosophy professor gave a one question final exam. The professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gained an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Terrorist Alert Levels

The French government recently announced a rise in its terror alert from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

The Swiss have increased their alert level from “We’re neutral” to “Turn Jews away at the border”. The only options left would be to offer to “Store terrorist gold” and “To make weapons for them” (at a healthy profit, of course).


The British are also feeling the pinch due to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". Londoners have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "B.. Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "B.. Nuisance" warning was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are You A Bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her, 'What are you?' She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F .E , you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H.' What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'

Group Therapy For Mums



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy"

He turned to the second mother, Ann "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny"

He turned to the third mother, Kathy "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy"



At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...."Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home"

Friday, November 26, 2010

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Sarcastic Traffic Officer Responses

The following were allegedly taken off of actual police car videos around the USA.

Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile.

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.

So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.

You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. .. Sign here.

If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Welsh Codd Bottle

I have an old bottle sitting on my desk. It's a Cood bottle from North Wales, an area where my father hails from. I obtained it during a trip there some years ago. I decided to find out about it if I could and wrote to a very friendly and helpful man, Keith in Canarvon. He's connected to Segontium Searchers who provide a 'Genealogy & Local History Research Service'.

Anyway, he said of it: This is a lovely bottle with the Welsh Leek trade mark. Codd bottles are normally very common in the UK and worth very little, but this is one that isn't seen very often. Yours appears to be in very good condition...Peter Evans was born in Ruthin in 1863/64, the son of William Evans, an engraver. By the time he was 17 years old he was working in one of the established mineral water firms in the town (R. Ellis & Son or Cambrian). He was in business for himself by 1881 and was still trading in 1911. I do not have a date when he ceased trading. The bottle would probably date to the 1890's or early 1900's.

So it sits on my desk, a bottle that through its content of mineral water, slaked the thirst of an unknown person perhaps a century ago. Little did they know it would find its way around the world to be an ornament that reminds me of a trip I took to the old country.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Freedom



Miners used to take Canary birds down into mines as they were very sensitive to methane and carbon monoxide, which made them ideal for detecting any dangerous gas build-ups. As long as the canary in a coal mine kept singing, the miners knew their air supply was safe. A dead canary in a coal mine signalled an immediate evacuation.


Imagine you were a miner who found the whistling irritating. When it stopped whistling and fell off its perch, would you say "Peace at last"? No, you would realise things were getting dangerous.

Freedom is like that. There may be a group in society that you don't exactly like and if you heard they had been proscribed by authorities, think 'good job'. The point is if that group wasn't doing anything wrong but had fallen out of favour with the authorities for some reason, alarm bells should ring. Be sure that other restrictions of freedom will follow, perhaps some you are not happy about.

So when freedoms are too easily brushed aside for some in your community, see it as the canary falling off its perch. Things could be getting dangerous.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Texas Sayings

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

If you’re thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

An Overly Complicated World


A friend of mine who isn't into things technical bought a cell phone. He complained to me that all he wanted was a phone but got so many other features that it had him so frustrated. Why can't you just get a phone if that is what you want?

I'm more into technical things than he is but I know exactly how he feels. I bought a nice but not expensive watch a year or so ago. I use a watch to tell me the time and the date, that's all. Every six months, we have to change the clocks with daylight saving and I cannot work out how to do it without the instruction book. If I accidentally bump one of the prominent buttons on it, it changes something which I cannot work out, without - yes you guessed it - getting the manual.

Now that isn't the only thing. This watch seems to have 2,187 features, only two of which I want. The other 2,185 of them that I don't want turn a one page fact sheet into a veritable tome. I'm sure if I dug deep enough, I could find features that would tell me my heart rate, my blood pressure and stress levels...things will I need as I strive to change the time.

Is a watch made today that tells the time and date only? Is there a cell phone that is simply a phone and not a camera, media centre and goodness knows what else? There are people like me who buy things to do the job they started out doing in the first place. The clue is in their names such as watch and telephone. I refuse Google Chrome as Google 'Normal' is just fine. I refuse to install additional toolbars as the computer came with one and it works.

When a manufacturer realises there are ordinary folk who want ordinary tools - and so offer a basic model in the range - will make a killing.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Poker Game


Six retired Irishmen are playin’ poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Out of respect, the other five continue the game standin’ up.

At the end of the evenin’, Michael O’Connor looks around the room and says, “OK, me boys, one of us has to go ‘round and tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw cards for the honor and Paul Gallagher draws the low card. “Now whatever ye do, be discreet,” the others tell him. “Let’s not be makin’ the situation any worse.”

“Don’t ye worry about a thing,” says Gallagher. “I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever be meetin’! ‘Tis me middle name!”

So Gallagher goes off to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and says, “Paul Gallagher – what is it yer wantin’ at this hour of the night?”

Gallagher replies, “Yer husband Paddy just lost $500 playin’ poker, and he’s afraid to come home!”

“$500?!” Paddy’s wife exclaims, “Tell him he can drop dead!”

Says Gallagher: “I’ll tell him!”

Power Corrupts

Some of Jesus' disciples were fishermen. Did they argue over who was the greatest fisherman? I doubt it. Yet when they received a privileged role as one of the twelve apostles, they then often argued over who was the greatest.

I learn two things from this. First, that the Bible is very candid in exposing this weakness of men we rightly respect. Secondly, that humans are almost always affected negatively when given authority.


So what is it that turns a humble person into a one with egotistical issues so easily. It seems we are not inclined to have the capacity to control power over others. Then the more we have, the more inclined we are to be affected. Lord Acton wrote: "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." He said almost always, which indicates a few are less likely to abuse power. Most are however, and isn't history littered with the carnage they inflicted on those under them?

Therefore, is there an answer? A good start is to remind ourselves regularly that we are not better than anyone else, whatever position or possessions we have. That we are all equal in God's eyes so that is how we should look at others. Everyone has a role to play in life, be it the manager or the cleaner. I followed that philosophy when I was in management and I like think I got it right. I certainly received strong loyalty in return. We were all on the same team, working for the same goal.

If those in power are ego phobic, everyone is happier and much more is achieved. In other words, a win-win situation.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Learn From Older Folks

Older folks had much that we have lost...for the worse I hasten to add, such as:

They liked melody in music,
Took pride in their appearance,
Kept romance in love,
Made a commitment to marriage,
Accepted responsibility for their parenting,
Valued togetherness in the family,
Instilled learning in education,
Treated others with civility,
Spoke with refinement and respect,
Worked hard in their employment,
Showed prudence when spending.

As individuals, we can still apply these attitudes and instill in our offspring. Of course, not all older folk lived up to these things and some unsavoury things were prevalent. However, overall these qualities were given more emphasis.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Training Courses For Women

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
14. Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
15. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
16. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
17. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
18. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
19. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both
20. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Typical Female Brain:

Typical Male Brain:

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Fishy Tale

One morning the husband returns after of fishing and decides to take a nap so the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

The Lost Hot Air Ballonist

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended and shouted, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I’m lost.”

She replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground. You are about 40 degrees north and about 60 degrees west.”

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Seaplane Landing In Picton, New Zealand.

I was in Picton, Marlborough, NZ, when this seaplane was about to land at the harbour. I quickly got my camera ready and got this footage. You don't see many of them these days.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What They Could Be Thinking

I would love to look down, but I'd better not. The camera is on us.
Any howl you can do, I can do better
Now where did I put those darned keys
What a dumb joke but I'd better laugh
Just when you want to be left alone, some jerk with a camera turns up....

The New Junior Employee

The boss invited a new junior employee to come into his office. "What is your name?" he asked.

"Alistair," the new guy replied.

The boss scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Alistair Darling."

The boss said, "Okay, Alistair, the next thing I want to tell you is…"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Schoolboy Howlers

Phone answering machine - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Unbelievable Song Lyrics

Sometimes the people who write song lyrics make you wonder. They write things that are unbelievable or downright silly. Here are a few examples I can think of.



Unbelievable: Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong and I just can't live without you.

This is a song sung by men so I presume it is sung to a woman. Well ladies, if you get a man to admit this, get it in writing....and signed.



You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

Imagine ever saying this to a woman, perhaps requesting this at say a wedding breakfast. I think you could end up wearing whatever she's holding, or can grab, at that moment. Maybe the wedding cake.


Silly: You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you, Don't you? Don't you?

Actually the singer is singing about him. It may not be vanity, just he knows the lady only too well.


I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

I don't know what The Beatles were on when they wrote it, but silly it is.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Real Answer Phone Messages


My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

Hi. Now YOU say something.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't answer right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Hearing Test

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and at 40 feet away he asks in a normal tone 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So the husband moves about 30 feet from his wife "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves 10 feet closer but again no response. So he walks to about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So he Walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

His wife replied: "Frank, for the FIFTH time, It's CHICKEN!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart


50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Clever Word Alteration

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some of the winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax-refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider-web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and can't be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Workout Suggestions

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Hit the nail on the head

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store then opened also.
Floor 1 - Has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - Has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The remaining floors have never been visited.

It just goes to show that men are easier to please...

Ordering A Drink In Australia

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia?



I might change that drink to a nice cold beer mate if that's alright.

No worries mate.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Web Addresses - Amazing


All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

"Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com

Don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

The designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com

Crazy Labels


On dessert packaging (printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down"

On peanuts "Warning: contains nuts."

On child cough medicine "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"

On pudding label "Product will be hot after heating"

On a hairdryer "Do not use while sleeping"

On a bag of Fritos "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"

On a frozen dinner "Serving suggestion: Defrost"

On packaging for an electric iron "Do not iron clothes on body"

On a Sleep Aid "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

On Christmas lights "For indoor or outdoor use only"

On a Japanese food processor "Not to be used for the other use"

On a packet of nuts "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"

On an assorted chocolate box "Contains nuts and/or other nuts"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Zen Teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just push off and leave me alone.

No one is listening....until you pass wind.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, other days you are the tree.

Good judgment comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our rear end - then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a prod on the accelerator.

FIFA World Cup Update



After Nigeria was eliminated from the FIFA World Cup, a top player personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa to watch them play. He said he just needed their bank account number and PIN to complete the transactions. A very generous offer, but I personally would not do it.




A new trend as a consequence of the World Cup has members of the Swiss Alpine Association seeing red. The Alpine horn, known the world over and an intrinsic part of the nations culture - along with yodelling and Cuckoo Clocks - is being supplanted by something quite different. You guessed it, the returning fans from the world cup are now stretching their lungs and filling the alpine air with the dulcet tones of the vuvuzela.

One local complained when played in unison, they sound like a swarm of angry bees. Another said it belongs on the veldt but not here in our valleys. The Alpine Association has asked the government to ban these hideous horns from the country altogether. (Pictured below a young Swiss lass practicing for her next mountaineering excursion).

Monday, August 16, 2010

Black Or White, Or Pink , Or Red...

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored folks ???