Tuesday, October 31, 2017

So True....

That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while. If they have the courage to apologise, then why not forgive them.

That true friendship can continues to grow, even over the longest distance, as long as you nurture it.

That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

You cannot have a friend of someone you do not trust.

That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. Either we control our attitude or it controls us.

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

That when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how old you are.

That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

That your life can suddenly be changed by people who don't even know you.

That even when you think you have no more to give, when a someone you love cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

The Drunk Needed A Push


A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The husband reluctantly got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push. "Not a chance," said the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slamed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife. "Can't you remember about six months ago when we broke down and were stranded, those two guys helped us get home? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself"

The man did as he is told, got dressed, put on his hat and raincoat and went out into the pounding wind and rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there mate?"

"Yes," came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Interesting Angles

It's not about making someone look good, but providing the support so that they can be good.

If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.

Gossip is like a landslide. It gets out of control quickly and does nothing but damage.

Being charming is winsome but can be shallow. However, kindness comes from deep within us.

Is the price of venison in the supermarket dear?

Some people are like clouds. When they move on its a bright, sunny day.

Following the crowd is easy. It's not easy to go against the tide.

My Creator isn't on Twitter, but I still follow Him.

Funny, but I'm the only person who doesn't seem to need therapy.

I don't make the same mistake twice...its many more times than that.

If you can't laugh at your mistakes, that's OK. Others will laugh for you.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Rules To Live Your Life By

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Aim low, reach your goals and avoid disappointment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I don't suffer from stress, I am a carrier.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick up the rear.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If you’re good you will be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you will get out of it.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


I've always wanted to be somebody, but maybe I should have been more specific.

Friday, October 20, 2017

What They Could Be Thinking

I would love to look down, but I'd better not. The camera is on us.
Any howl you can do, I can do better
Now where did I put those darned keys
What a dumb joke but I'd better laugh
Just when you want to be left alone, some jerk with a camera turns up....

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Things Difficult To Say When Drunk

As drunkenness makes one look foolish and often behave disgustingly, I put this on my blog to make that point. I do not wish to encourage excess drinking by making light of it.

Things hard to say

Innovative
Preliminary
Anesthetist
Cinnamon
Chrysanthemum

It is even harder to say Specificity

Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
Anti-constitutionalistically
Transubstantiate
Sphygmomanometer

Apparently it is impossible to say

Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I'd hate to look like a fool.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to throw up in the street.
I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Men are like...


Men are like...

... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their rubbish.
... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around near a TV.
... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
... plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

PS. Just as well I'm not like that.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Texas Sayings

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

If you’re thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Frypan


Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother,

I'm not saying you did take a frying pan from my house, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter.


Peter soon received an email from his mother which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.

Love mum.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Snoring

The guys were all at Charlie's deer camp. No one wanted to room with Charlie, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy roomed with Charlie and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They asked the first guy what happened and he said 'Charlie snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was Frank's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They asked him the same thing and he said, 'Man, that Charlie shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Billy's turn. Billy was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went in and tucked Charlie into bed, patted him on the butt, then kissed him good night. Charlie sat up and watched me all night.'

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Corny Wisdom

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

You've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Thoughts For The Day...

Birds of a feather flock together...and poo on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Things To Ponder

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart?

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that right.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Logical Musings


I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Why is it not men who ride horses sidesaddle?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car into traffic.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help groups?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

There Are Nun So Blind



Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Quiz



Welcome to my personal quiz. There are ten questions only, and by the end, you will discover something amazing about yourself. No cheating by looking down until you have answered all the questions honestly.

When answering the questions below, award yourself zero points for A answers, and 2 points for B answers. If you cannot decide which one, that's 1 point.

1) The toilet seat

A) Up
B) Down



2) Who should hold the television remote?

A) Man
B) Woman


3) Which brand appeals?

A) GM
B) Hyundai


4) Who open a beer bottle or can better?

A) Men
B) Women


5) Best bar meal

A) Steak & Chips (fries)
B) Pasta


6) I want a...

A) Land Rover Discovery
B) Mazda MX5


7) I would prefer...

A) Watching the game with a few mates and some refreshments
B) Shopping, carrying a credit card with a nil balance


8) It's more important for a car to...

A) Handle well
B) Be a nice colour


9) I prefer

A) Power tools
B) Kitchen utensils


10) I would love to

A) Drive a supercar down a country road
B) Have a make over



Now for the result below....



If you scored

0-4: You'd make Tim The Tool Man Taylor Proud.

5-8: Your testosterone is fairly high

9-12: Al Borland territory

13-16: Definitely a feminine leaning

17-20 Your estrogen is in full flow


If you want to share your scores, please do reply in the comments box. I scored a four. Phew.

Messages From The Dog

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG!

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

Tricks involving balancing food on my nose... stop it!

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Wow, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?

We both know who's boss here!!! You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?

Sunday, October 1, 2017

The Irish Farmer & Bessie

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling? Now what would you say?"