Friday, October 30, 2009

My Garden


It was a fine spring afternoon and I was sitting on the veranda. I was reading, whilst in the background the birds were in great voice. They approved of the day as much as I did. The warmth of the sun reminded me how tired I was feeling and I was soon wrestling with Mr Sandman, in an attempt to stay awake. I went and got the camera to capture the vista I had before me, then I went for a doze in the lounge. Ah, a lovely afternoon.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

When Insults Had Class

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill - "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response - "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.".

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Before We Speak About Someone...


Most of us talk about others from time to time. However, it eventuates that sooner or later we speak of something but then regret what we said, but it's too late. It's out and you cannot take it back. If only we could control that tongue of ours. I read three things we should think about before we do speak of others, and they seem sound. Thinking before we speak isn't always easy, but the more we do, the easier it will become and more successful we will be at achieving it.

First, have we made absolutely sure that what we are about to say of someone else is true? We wouldn't like others to say things of us if it wasn't accurate. Second, is what we are about to say something good? If not, then what is our motive for saying it? Third, is what you want speak of going to be useful to the hearer? If not, then they should not be hearing it.

I generally do alright with how I speak of others but I have found some people are very good at getting me to talk about things I regret. I especially need to apply the above three points with such people.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Hospital News

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.'

Creative Puns


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lyrics I Felt - The Boxer

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel

I liked this song not so much for it's tune as its accurate reflection of those who live rough. I could imagine it is set perhaps early to mid 20th century. The writer captures the scene like he had been there and lived among such unfortunate ones, feeling their hopelessness.

When I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station, runnin scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters, where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Asking only workmans wages, I come lookin for a job, but I get no offers
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there

And Im laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the new york city winters arent bleedin me, leadin me to go home

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him til he cried out in his anger and his shame I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains Yes he still remains


Some back then took up boxing to get a little money but it mostly led to being knocked around badly. Young ones today would struggle to understand the times and difficult conditions they had. It wasn't that long ago either.

Lyrics I Felt - Hazard

Hazard - Richard Marx

This is a song that reflects the feelings of one that doesn't seem to fit in. How people then assume the worst of them and quickly condemn such a person. They rarely can find friends but occasionally a special person ignores the rumours and lies to befriend them. This song is about Mary befriending the singer, but when she goes missing, guess who they blame?

My mother came to Hazard when I was just seven
Even then the folks in town said with prejudiced eyes
That boy's not right ...
No one understood what I felt for Mary
No one cared until the night she went out walking alone
And never came home ...
Man with a badge came knocking next morning
Here was I surrounded by a thousand fingers suddenly
Pointed right at me ...
I think about my life gone by
And how it's done me wrong
There's no escape for me this time
All of my rescues are gone, long gone


The writer of the lyrics seemed to know well the feeling of rejection one can feel if prejudged. It can even lead to wrongful arrest and sentence. Of course, not every misfit is a saint. But for those that are, the lyrics speak well for them. Nice song too.

Lyrics I Felt - The Living Years


The Living Years - Mike & The Mechanics

This song must have been written by someone who had astrained relationship with a father, yet wished it was different, when it was too late. Men (read fathers) are not often good communicators and can be less than sensitive in expressing opinions. Some of the words of this song were were:

I know that I''m a prisoner, To all my father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage, To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper, Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations, I'm afraid thats all weve got
You say you just dont see it, He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement, In this present tense
We all talk a different language, Talking in defence

Chorus:
Say it loud, say it clear, You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die, To admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel, Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future, Its the bitterness that lasts..

I wasn't there that morning, When my father passed away
I didn't get to tell him, All the things I had to say
...

I think the song has a powerful tune and lyrics. Anyone who found their father's communication difficult can relate to this. Yet the father is the one primarily at fault if communication with a child is poor. Fathers, talk with your chilren openly, yet kindly. Don't leave them with a legacy of if onlys.

Japanese Banks In Trouble

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.




In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.




Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Looking For Ms Right


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big breasts.

Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"62kg," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 70kg. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Life

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." Here are a selection:

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

Pay off your credit cards every month.

You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

It's OK to let your children see you cry.

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

Always choose life.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

Believe in miracles.

Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

Growing old beats dying young.

Your children get only one childhood.

All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

The best is yet to come.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Yield.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Proverbs

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average drivers.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

A clear conscience can be the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


What's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Our Existence

Humans think they are clever. We have technology that can do so much to make life more comfortable and extend our life expectancy - for those lucky enough to live in a country with such advances available anyway. It gives people the feeling that anything is attainable to man.

However, imagine if the best scientific brains were brought together in the finest state of the art laboratory. They were given an unlimited budget and told they had an assignment. That was not to invent something new, but just copy from scratch something that is relatively simple and abundant. That thing is a living grass seed. Do you think they could do it? They wouldn't have a chance. These scientists can dissect a seed, examine it and know how it functions but replicate it they could not, nor ever will be able to. It's beyond humans.

When I think of such things, it leaves me humbled and in awe. Awe about how the grass seed and how all things got to be as they are. If the best brains of this world, in a magnificent laboratory, with money no object cannot even start to copy simple things around us, then random chance certainly didn't do it. No, the intelligence behind life on this planet leaves me overwhelmed. When one reaches that state of mind, then one is truly receptive to look upward and worship the One responsible for our existence and the wonders of our earth.

Things To Ponder 2

I used to eat a lot of natural foods...until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?