Courtship or Dating?

The two words are often used interchangeably, but there are significant differences in their meaning. The history of the words will clarify this.

Courtship: The term goes back to the latter 1500s and referred to a man wooing a woman to win her affection and for her to give consent for marriage. 

The concept was about chivalry among the nobility but spread down to society in general. A man would visit a woman at her family home with her parents very much supervising proceedings. 

The word took on the meaning of an extended period that couples would spend developing a romantic connection, with the intended goal of an engagement. It was about protecting the virtue of a woman and her social reputation.  

Dating: The word started entering English usage in the US at the beginning of the 20th century. It's initial meaning was a simple prearranged meeting of a social nature. 

With young ones less likely to be under their parent's roofs and gaining car ownership, the family dynamics changed. Young ones now met with little or no supervision. The term dating was used in such situations. 

So there is the basic history of the words. Today, dating is widely used but among religious folk who still adhere to Bible moral standards, they will often prefer the term courtship. So now to simplify and a final summary.

Courtship: The goal is marriage. It may involve a chaperone or group setting, the couple observing each other in various situations. It usually involves limits for physical contact.

Dating: It has more of an exploration and fun angle with less pressure. Often it involves one on one interaction. It is viewed as flexible, from casual interaction only, to eventually living together without marriage, or occasionally even looking for a long term relationship in marriage. 

Summary: Courting offers a clear destination and will appeal to those with stricter moral standards. Others feel it is out of step with the modern world. Dating's flexibility appeals to many, especially if their moral standards are more liberal. The lack of defined goals can lead to misunderstandings that can hurt emotionally. The possibility of pregnancy outside of marriage is also more likely. 

Handling A Situation

People are very different and how they handle situations can vary greatly. Sometimes, our reaction may be judged as cold and uncaring. At other times too soft and too tactful. 

The situations below aren't scored, and any judgment you do make is over to you. 

Someone tells you a joke you have often heard before, hence it's no longer funny.

Do you

1) Without a smile, tell them you have heard it before.

2) Ignore it or change the subject.

3) Act like you think it was funny and tell them that it's a good joke.

Someone starts telling you some disparaging gossip about another person.

Do you

1) Widen your eyes and gleefully listen attentively.

2) Listen reluctantly.

3) Tell them immediately to stop or, as soon as possible, change the subject.

You play a game like chess with someone and realise they are not good at it.

Do you

1) Tell them they're not very good and won't be playing them again.

2) Suggest another game you could play together next time.

3) Keep playing with them, offering tips and even allowing them occasionally to take back moves.

Reputation Or Money?

What is more important? Reputation is how others view us. Money pays the bills and buys things we want. If we had to sacrifice one, which would it be? Which do we value the most? I am not talking here about trying to please everyone so we are popular. Rather, about our real reputation, based on good values.

There was a saying in English that said 'a man is as good as his word'. How honest and dependable he was determined how good a man he was. A business deal could be done on a handshake. Would it be wise to do that today? How many keep their word no matter what transpires after he spoke?

In the Bible book of Psalm 15:4, it talks about a man "who keeps his word whatever the cost" or "he does not go back on his promise, even when it is bad for him" or again "makes a promise and does not break it, even though he is hurt by it". Different translations have differing nuances.

To do that may cost us a lot of money. However, our reputation remains intact, and it is even enhanced if it becomes known to others. In the long run, the trust and respect a person has may be financially advantageous, as people want to do business with someone they trust. I learned the hard way that dealing with someone not keeping their word is costly and painful.

On a personal level I want to sleep soundly, knowing I did right by others. Of course, we all make mistakes and some of those will cost us our reputation. It takes years to build and is lost in minutes. We cannot take our money with us but our reputation can linger for a long time after we have gone.

So what is worth more, reputation or money? A far as wealth goes I am who I am, regardless of how much money I have. What I own does not define me, but how I treat others does. The latter is what my reputation will be based on. Therefore my reputation is what is valuable to me.

Borrowing & Lending

I have always been dependable. That isn't bragging but I know it is true. Where ever I work, I get so much sent my way because as one person put it "Give a job to Ray and you can forget about it, because you know it will be done".

I thought everyone was like that but my mother warned me about lending because as she said not everyone is like you. I found out the hard way when goods were not returned or came back damaged. Now I just don't want to lend to anyone. I don't like borrowing either, preferring to buy what I need.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend". So said Shakespear and it's true.

A neighbour we are on reasonably friendly terms with came over and wanted to borrow a chilly bin. They wanted it for beer at the beach and a friend had borrowed their chilly bin and never returned it. We use it to store food items we buy in bulk such as spices and it's a nice one. We had to empty it out and they could see that it was used so promised to have it back by late afternoon.

Well, that came and went. We noticed them home early enough but the next morning and still nothing. We decided to go over and get it ourselves. It was clean and undamaged but I sense they were in no hurry to return it as promised.

If I did promise to return something, it will happen or an timely explanation if something has made that impossible. That's a value system that I find easy to live with. It's based on consideration and respect for others, something I appreciate from others too.

Am I A Cheat?

When I do a jigsaw puzzle, I don't like the initial sorting of pieces. So after I complete one for the first time, I divide up the jigsaw into bags with 125 pieces in each one. The next time I start it, I just lift out a bag and do one section. It is quicker and when I leave the jigsaw uncompleted, it looks neat and tidy and not pieces all over the work surface.




Whenever someone hears what I do the immediate response is that I am cheating. I've searched all over each box for instructions of what is acceptable or not and never found anything. It seems the jigsaw maker doesn't care how you do it, they leave it up to the person. So if there are no rules, how can you be cheating?

The other day I was talking to a lady who makes her own bread the traditional way. I said I prefer home made bread for many reasons, including no chemical additives. She asked about how I make it and I obviously 'put my foot in it' when honestly confessing I use a bread making machine.

Well, I was immediately told I was cheating. I went home and checked the packet the flour came in to see what the instructions were and no mention of not to use with a bread making machine. So who's rules am I breaking? I seem to be falling foul of the rules of life that others know about, but I don't.

I got to thinking. Is it cheating to use a microwave oven? How about a electric edge trimmer? An automatic washing machine? A clothes drier must be cheating as a washing line is 'the way' to do it. I guess modern society is full of cheating and I have been taken in by it all. Oh well, I guess I'll have to accept I'm a cheat.

Things I Know...

Wisdom is like money, a little more is always useful.

I like to help others but I definitely need more discernment in deciding when I should help and when to let others get on with it. Your sincere efforts can come back to bite you.

One side of the story is sounds convincing but then so does the other side too, when you finally hear it. 

Someone I know once criticised his wife over how she handles money and he was so convincing. I later got her side of the story and he was as bad - if not worse - than she was in that area.



Be a good forgiver for we all need to be forgiven at times.

It surprises me how few can pull this one off. People can hold grudges mercilessly. A successful marriage for example is dependent on being forgiving, as of course any relationship. As a bonus, it is so good for your health too.

Telling the truth is the best policy in the long run.

When I dealt with customers I always told them the truth even if I felt embarrassed by it. It was surprising how well people took it when you sincerely confessed an oversight. I recall a colleague lying to a customer and getting into a mess trying to dig herself out of it when the customer smelt a rat. One lie led to another.

Is Politeness Manly?

I cycle along a bike track behind where I live (you can see a three part series on it by clicking here). In many parts it is too narrow for two bikes approaching each other to pass. Most of the cyclists are male and 95% of them are not quick to pull off to let you get around them. They will slow down and try to squeeze past, but that just won't be enough. I usually take the initiative and pull off in narrower sections and call them through.

What kind of response do I get? Serious off road cyclists rarely acknowledge me as they past, their egos reflected in their stern faces. More casual riders often smile or say "Hi'. Perhaps 5% of men say "Thanks". As for women, some look surprised when I pull off the track and 95% would say a very appreciative "Thank you".

So why the difference? Is it the pseudo-macho Kiwi male trying to be the tough guy and thinks it isn't suitable? Women have no problem so I wonder if it is a mixture of testosterone and insecurity. Lack of politeness certainly isn't manly. I have so much more respect for women when it comes to how they treat others.

Now that doesn't hurt the ego, does it? 

Anonymity And Cheating

Most people say they are honest. A survey found that most people who hit an unoccupied parked car do not leave personal details. However, if asked if that is what they would do, 90% said they would leave a note. People like to think they are honest, but if they can cheat without being caught and there is personal gain for doing so....

I used to play card games online, such as Spades. People come to a virtual table and play. It's a partner game so you rely on each other. Of course, many are good sports. Yet it amazed me that when some play anonymously, how they do things they would never do in person. Some leave as soon as something goes against them. Others have an insulting verbal exchange with their partner if they make a mistake.

I then was pointed to a site where you could play various Solitaire games online. There is a leader board and many top games had some impossibly high score rates. Anyway, I thought no more of it and chose two less popular ones and soon had done well. It took hard work and application to get there, it takes months to get to the minimum required wins to even be on the list.

Anyway, I was having a real competition with two two others for the top spot of one game. They both lost a game which gave me the only 100% record. They would have to log in under new pseudonyms to start all over. But within a few days one was back with the same pseudonym, score and no losses. Impossible in the time it took.

I wrote to the creator of the site to explain what happened. He said there were two ways of cheating that way, and he could only stop it by redoing the setup and losing all the scores. Seeing as that was not an option, the cheat's scores remain.

Now that is what anonymity does. No one can identify them but they are happy to see their name at the top, knowing they got there unfairly. What kind of a hollow victory is that? I don't go to any of these card sites anymore because of how some act when they are not known. My motto is be honest at all times, even if you won't get caught cheating. It's called genuine satisfaction.

Movie Reviewers

Most of us choose to watch a movie or not. We look at the type and the classifications before deciding if we would be likely to enjoy, be bored or offended by it. Reviewers I assume cannot simply choose what to look at. They are there to let you know if you may want to go.

The problem for anyone having this job is seeing things that you are repulsed by, but staying on to the end. That would surely desensitise the reviewer as they ignored their inclination to stop watching. This seems to have happened to a reviewer that writes in a local paper.

This is about a movie just released:

"A guilt-free celebration of the kind of behaviour that would have made the Romans blush. It's a coke-snorting, crack-smoking, scotch-skulling, hooker shagging riot of a film...it's the sweariest movie of all time with 506 uses of the F-word alone...is a desert where all that is good withers..."

So not recommended then? Well:

The lead character is "...worryingly impossible not to like.." and "...the most entertaining film of the summer..." 

Reviewer summary: Offensively good and 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.

My summary: Why be entertained by the vilest of characters? They exist but we don't want to know about them, do we? The reviewers conscience is so seared that he enjoyed and fully recommends it.

My Rules Of Living: Honesty

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you.

So sang Billy Joel. He was referring to truth within a relationship. Honesty has various facets and they are all important in our dealings with both our self and others.


1) Not taking what doesn't belong to us. That can mean stealing items, ideas or intellectual property, time from an employer or credit due to someone else.

2) Telling the truth. No one likes being lied to. Sometimes the consequences of owning up to something can be painful, but better in the long run to be honest. Creating a wrong impression by omission of detail or using misleading language is not being truthful, but rather cunning.

3) Be honest with one's self. People can 'self deceive' into thinking what they are comfortable with. Being totally frank with ourselves can be a difficult thing to do. Some of this can be about past issues we have never resolved (professional help may be required to get past this one). For others, pride gets in the way. What I have found is that self deception can hold us back from personal improvement.

4) We can be too honest. If we lack tact or cannot be trusted with confidential information, then a strength has become a weakness. Being brutally honest should be a last resort, not a first port of call. Also, telling what is not necessary - or kind to reveal - shows lack of common sense, a desire to hurt others or wrongly thinking it makes us look good.

As we can see honesty has many aspects. These are some that came to my mind, and you may be able to think of others. When used properly, honesty gains us the respect of others as well as self respect. The latter one is especially important.

My Rules Of Living: Morality

This is a delicate one to comment on as not all things are right or wrong, and there are so many individual opinions on the subject. So while some things such as murder are wrong to everyone, for everything else it comes down to your own take on it. In some cases if you can get away with it, then why not - even if you know you shouldn't.

Where do we get values? We have an inbuilt law called a conscience that is the basis of morality. That in turn is shaped by our personality, family, community, religious beliefs and our own inherent flaws. Our conscience can be molded or even desensitised, but it always remains in some form. So how do I see morality?

1) Morality must be based on a something reliable and trustworthy. If you need an accurate measurement, you use something accurately marked. The result could be a failure if we just guessed a measurement. Many today - especially the young - lack a standard they can trust to put them on the right course.

2) It takes determination to stick to what you know is right. Being with others who have differing standards to yours is a challenge. It is so easy to go with the majority, even if it makes you uncomfortable doing so. Never ignore your standards and back off if others insist on continuing. Better still, associate only with those who either have similar standards or will respect your decision.

3) The majority can be wrong. We cannot adopt the herd mentality. Society's morality is in virtual freefall at the moment. Accepting it's falling values will hurt us.

4) Be honest in assessing morality. Our heart's desire can let us down badly. What seems right now can feel anything but later on. Once we know something is the correct, move quickly to reinforce that. Don't give our heart - or others - time to change our mind.

5) The best standard I have found is in an ancient book. The most circulated book in the world by far has the answers. Unfortunately its message is twisted to suit - or not consulted at all - by too many. An honest appraisal of its standards gives us help now and a happy future. Find publications or genuine readers of that book to help us get the most out of it.


We need morality. It shields us and gives us dignity. Society is glued together with it, and the planet is protected by it. We turn our backs on it at our peril.

My Rules Of Living: Tidiness

I used to make and install customised wardrobes (US: closet). When I would arrive at the house, I was shown the rooms I would be installing them in. When coming to the rooms youths slept in, sometimes the existing wardrobe was empty and the floor was piled high with clothes. I wondered if my handiwork would ever be used.

I cannot understand why parents would allow such slovenliness in their home. Permissive parenting isn't something I respect. If you love your children, give them boundaries and insist on standards. They will squeal and protest now, but will thank you one day.

My parents insisted on standards for me to live by, and I still hold to them many years later. So what are some of them? Tidiness is one:

1) I always make my bed before leaving home. I get up, let it air as I do necessary things, then make it before going out. When I come home, the bedroom is tidy and I feel good.


2) All clothing is put in it's proper place. Clean clothes are put hung up or put on shelves. Dirty laundry goes to the basket. I can take pride in my bedroom environment.



3) Dishes are either put in the dishwasher or cleaned immediately. I don't get up in the morning to a pile of dishes. They are also easier to clean if not left. All kitchen items are in cupboards in their rightful place, not scattered across the bench tops.

4) The lounge is always tidy. If guests pop in anytime, I can show them into the lounge without apologising for catching me out. No, I don't believe people either when they say "We're not normally like this".

5) Keep the car clean, inside and out. Having a rubbish bag hooked over a headrest stops junk hitting the car floor. I have got into some cars where I didn't know where to put my feet, there was so much rubbish in the foot well.
It doesn't take long with a hose and soapy water to clean the outside. A wipe down with a chamois afterwards if you want a better finish. An occasional polish and wax if you want a wow factor.



I don't enjoy cleaning, and it would be easy to let things slip. However, I was taught the satisfaction of keeping things nice. Living in a pleasant environment builds self respect too. So thank you mum and dad for insisting on standards. I grumbled at times, but you persisted. It shows to me that you cared and that I need to care about my surroundings.

Young Women Need To Be Sensible

In NZ, there are young men who brag about having sex with drunk, underage girls. They call themselves "Roast Busters". Some radio broadcasters have recently said things that had them accused of blaming the female victims. They have since apologised.

It does raise a question about how some men view women who dress immodestly and drink excessively. Do they think such a woman is 'fair game?' Do they think she is in effect 'asking for it?' Unfortunately some men seem to think that way. They need educating to respect a woman.

It comes down to something else too. I live in a smallish town, which you would feel was safe. However, if I walked around town in the early hours of the morning, I would be risking being attacked by groups of young thugs. I know of two men who were out - one not even that late - that received such severe bashings, that one will be on social assistance for the rest of his life and the other will not be able to fully work again.

Now I could say I have a right to go out late if I wish and should be safe, but that would not be sensible. Some young ladies think they can dress immodestly and get drunk, being able to do so without anyone taking advantage of them. That is not a sensible opinion. Sure, if I got beaten up or a girl is taken advantage of in some way, we would be victims. Naive victims.

Some Role Models For Young Women Are Anything But

It is sobering to see a generation of youths behaving in the way they are. Young ladies with little sense, and young men with neither respect for women nor for men who decide to take a late night walk. While this society slides into such low standards, it is imperative that parents teach their children right from wrong. Don't be so permissive that you fail to stand up for what you know to be right. It is also important to be good role models for your children. The sensible thing is to protect yourself and your loved ones.

A Hoax Gone Terribly Wrong

Some feel the hoax that led to nurse's taking her life was a sign of her emotional state and in no way blame can be attached to anyone. Well imagine if a recovering alcoholic came to your home and you didn't know of his condition. You offer a alcoholic drink to him and he declines. You keep pressuring him to have one and he eventually gives in. He then drinks too much and it leads to a tragic car accident, domestic violence or the like. You could say "I didn't know, so it's not my fault".

Working in a hospital as a nurse is a difficult job. They try to do their best for the patient and the patient's families. To take advantage of that dedication to get a laugh is very wrong. When the hoax is involving people who may be under all sorts of pressures, both personal and professionally, it can end up like this. Also, in some cultures embarrassment and humiliation causes great shame. The radio DJs could say "I didn't know of her feelings, so it's not my fault". That is not a good enough excuse and that is why you don't do pranks on strangers.

Of course, it is not just the two who made the call that are responsible. The radio station has a lot to answer for too, as the culture there is obviously bad. Anything for better ratings, and anyone hurt in the process is collateral damage. This time the hurt and the result is too much.

Pic: http://www.theartsdesk.com

Sports Ethics Question

Here is a golf ethics question for you and your golfing buddies. What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.

You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep
in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating so and so's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

Sad But True

I wish I didn't have to write this. What is happening to young people, but especially young women in the West?

Recently in England a group of young men were getting under aged girls into sex.

In New Zealand, it is not uncommon for female youths to get so drunk over the weekend, that they do not know if they had sex or not.

Then this appeared on the the news tonight. In Australia and New Zealand, after a night of drinking some intoxicated young women offer sex to the taxi cab driver instead of paying, because they say they haven't the money to get home.

I remember a young man in the town I live seeing a group of inebriated young women walking down the road. One fell into the gutter and the others went on and left her there. He got his car, found out where she lived and took her home. The parents came out of the house and accused him of doing this to their daughter. He made a swift departure, promising never to be a Good Samaritan again.

The point - in an otherwise light and humourous blog - is that it distresses me to see the moral degradation going on. Where are the parents? Were they too busy to actually teach their children anything? Or did you give up on them?

If any parents read this, start acting like parents. For young people, don't think sex and/or getting drunk is just a fun thing. It turns you into a very cheap individual. To law makers who have been undermining parental authority, you are making a big mistake.

What a sad indictment of society.

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Hares And Hounds

The reality of the animal kingdom is that a creature is either a hare or a hound; that cannot alter that simple fact. The expression "to run with the hares and chase (or hunt) with the hounds" means that someone changes sides when it suits them or the situation makes it seem advantageous. However, in the long run, they will find it simply doesn't work. It shows a lack of loyalty and principles. You will end up being trusted by no one.

Of course, that won't stop some people trying...

Homophobics

First of all, a phobia is "an irrational, intense and persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, animals, or people". So a homophobe is someone with an irrational, intense and persistent fear. That's a serious condition. It would produce intense unease, sweaty palms or general sweating, perhaps shaking and panicky feelings. So people who have phobias have a serious medical condition that can only be cured with professional assistance.

Secondly, to disagree with something means to differ; to dislike something means "a feeling of not liking". When people say they disagree with or dislike Gay (homosexual) lifestyles, they are called homophobes. Yet the words disagree or dislike do not have any connection with the word phobia.

So what have we got here? I see it as name calling to silence those who do not see things a certain way. No one wants to be associated with a condition that creates "irrational, intense and persistent fear". Name calling is common among children but not among mature adults. I believe that homosexuality is not normal nor natural. It is a sign of a decadent society. No, I do not have a phobia, but I am simply disagreeing with something. I also do not dislike people I disagree with and I do not dislike homosexuals, but rather their chosen lifestyle.

People disagree with me and my views of life from time to time. As long as it doesn't get personal, I am quite comfortable with that. I certainly will not resort to name calling. After all, that will not change what people think anyway.

I know that at times people who do not fit the 'norm' - as some see it - can become the victims of intolerance. That is unacceptable. However, to defend something by negatively labelling another who does not agree with you is being intolerant in return. That is also unacceptable.

Shame

One thing people hate is to feel shame. In days gone by, people were put in stocks, perhaps having tomatoes thrown at them and laughed at. In schools, to shame an errant pupil, they may have been forced to wear donkey ears or wear a dunce cap to indicate stupidity. Likewise, having to stand, kneel or bend over in a corner.

Today, some judges in the US have had people carrying a sign in front of the local courthouse that reads: “I stole from a local store.” Apparently, it has a high success rate in reducing repeat offending. Community shame is a strong deterrent for engaging in what is deemed unacceptable. However, shame is now rarely used in this way.

Also, what now constitutes shameful has changed. When I was a boy, a fair fight involved one on one, never kicking someone on the ground, and if one combatant had had enough, so be it. A woman being a virgin was once something of high value on her wedding night, today many men would see her as naive and her innocence undesirable. Living together without being married was also not acceptable. Some of the photos and video clips that end up on the Internet would indicate that what was embarrassing not so many years ago is something to be proud of.

In deciding how to live, while the community can be an influence for good, it's declining standards are not always right. If you follow the Bible for instance, its values are steady. They are the same as they were when written and they are still the best way to live. An honest evaluation of its precepts will keep us on the narrow path. (Please read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 to see how bad the world has got).

The fact is, many of today's standards are shameful. Just because our peers and/or society view them with favour doesn't make it fine. As our civilisation sinks lower with each passing year, we would do well to note that this is a sign of its decline, not of enlightenment or true freedom.