Sunday, November 29, 2015

Saying The Wrong Thing

Sometimes we say something we don't mean to be upsetting, but we will from time to time. I know I have said something about the relationship between two people and got it wrong. Saying something like "Is this your grandchildren"? when she's the mother. I recall annoying a lady when visiting a property and when this very young looking person opened the door, saying in a cute voice "Is mummy home"? I got a terse 'Speaking".


A young looking man who married a woman much older told me he was often confused for her son. They both had the reasonableness to accept why and not let it get them upset. My wife has a habit of saying to women who have a prominent stomach "When is the baby due?" She gets looks for that because they aren't anything of the sort. I have convinced her not to mention pregnancy, unless it's obvious.

My brother used to have a habit of repeatedly calling someone the wrong name. Once the incorrect name was lodged in his brain, he mistakenly kept doing it. I think some people thought he was being smart with them.

My biggest wrong with speech didn't affect others, just me. At my place of worship, someone who was supposed to read something out wasn't there and I volunteered. Almost immediately the word 'virginal' came up and because it isn't a word I use much, I got it wrong. I knew immediately my error, but it was out. I got teased for it afterward and as a newly married man at the time, it added to the embarrassment. No, I'm not telling you the word as you probably worked it out anyway.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Rather Obvious I Would Have Thought

One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found his new wife weeping. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

                                                            *******************

Two women were walking down the road and the first woman said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

                                                            *******************

A lady decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy. So the first lady bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

                                                            *******************

A man bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that he cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.

The neighbour then suggested that he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, the man couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When he did that, he found that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

                                                            *******************

At a job interview the personnel officer was interviewing a young lady for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Wise Cracks


I called my dog Five Miles. Now I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

Women have fake hair, eyelashes, lips, breasts, buttocks etc. Yet they want a real man!

My wife said the other day "How about we have some wine and cheese".
I said "Good idea, I''ll get the cheese and you have a whine".


A farmer counted 198 cows in the field, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Is there anything good about Switzerland? At least their flag is a plus.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

My wife noticed I always lay down after activating the bread maker. So she asked me why to which I replied "When I press the start button, on the screen a message comes up 'Rest".

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Amazing Natural Things

A molten crater in Ethiopia. Anyone got marshmallows?

The Northern Lights from space. Probably better viewed from earth

I'll take the muscle thanks

A cancer cell magnified. Sobering

The human tongue surface likewise magnified

A geyser about to burst forth

Friday, November 20, 2015

Am I A Cheat?




When I do a jigsaw puzzle, I don't like the initial sorting of pieces. So after I complete one for the first time, I divide up the jigsaw into bags with 125 pieces in each one. The next time I start it, I just lift out a bag and do one section. It is quicker and when I leave the jigsaw uncompleted, it looks neat and tidy and not pieces all over the work surface.




Whenever someone hears what I do the immediate response is that I am cheating. I've searched all over each box for instructions of what is acceptable or not and never found anything. It seems the jigsaw maker doesn't care how you do it, they leave it up to the person. So if there are no rules, how can you be cheating?

The other day I was talking to a lady who makes her own bread the traditional way. I said I prefer home made bread for many reasons, including no chemical additives. She asked about how I make it and I obviously 'put my foot in it' when honestly confessing I use a bread making machine.

Well, I was immediately told I was cheating. I went home and checked the packet the flour came in to see what the instructions were and no mention of not to use with a bread making machine. So who's rules am I breaking? I seem to be falling foul of the rules of life that others know about, but I don't.

I got to thinking. Is it cheating to use a microwave oven? How about a electric edge trimmer? An automatic washing machine? A clothes drier must be cheating as a washing line is 'the way' to do it. I guess modern society is full of cheating and I have been taken in by it all. Oh well, I guess I'll have to accept I'm a cheat.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Car Crashes: Impatience

Can't wait to get those new specs

Neither can this chap

Am I late for afternoon tea? 

Too much in a hurry to take a bend

I hear the service is good. I'm in a hurry too

I hope I'm not too late with the payment. I think I'm going to need to claim as well

I thought I'd take a short cut through the back. Quicker that way

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Amazing Man Made Things

The conclusion of the Great Wall of China

Inside a cargo plane. Hello, hello, hello

Nordlingen, Germany. Built on a crater

Genghis Khan's monument, Mongolia. Huge

The largest land vehicle in the world. I dig it

Car tyres! Can we do better?

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Car Crashes: No One Is Immune

The police do it

Day Care drivers also

Bus drivers get it wrong occasionally

Utility drivers can get very wrong

Did I say the police sometimes too

Sports car driver like to think they are above such indiscretions

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Your Parrot Is Dead!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you Señor Bob, that your parrot...he is dead"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What, are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

"What funeral?!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new golf clubs, the driver I believe."

Silence... Long silence...... Very long silence............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver...?"

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

'George & The Dragon'

The picture of this one in Suffolk not the same inn
An 18th century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading 'George and the Dragon.' He knocked. 

The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out of a window. “Could ye spare me something to eat?” the vagabond asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.

“Could I have a pint of ale?”

“No!” she shouted even louder.

“Could I at least sleep in your stable?” 

“No!” she shouted again.

The vagabond said, “Might I please...?”

“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Retirement Lifestyle


New Zealand's Massey University's latest Retirement Expenditure Guidelines strike me as nonsense. The message they send out is "If you don't fancy the idea of budgeting and cost-cutting in your old age, you had better get saving". They claim people living a frugal lifestyle are spending more than they get from NZ retirement benefit. NZ Super is just $374.53 per week for a single person.

The author of this report, Claire Matthews, said it was clear New Zealanders needed more than the pension to live on. A 32 year old with no savings would need to save $59 a week over the rest of their working life to achieve an acceptable amount for retirement.

First up the more elderly of today are quite familiar with budgeting and cost cutting. They grew up doing it. Secondly, the rate quoted is in the hand so all yours to spend. Third, couples get $576.20 in the hand per week. Fourth, if a 32 year old has saved nothing, I think their budgeting skills are so poor that they need help. If they cannot save anything at a time they probably had no dependants, then they have no chance of saving anything like $59 per week, ever.

I can only assume Claire is either scare mongering or doesn't know that budgeting isn't a dirty word. It can be something that brings satisfaction controlling your finances, as you learn fiscal success is more about what you spend rather than what you earn.

Of course this indulged generation coming through today have been taught they are entitled. Entitled to having their cake and eating it too. I would rather have a more simple life that is free from monetary cares than worrying for years of how I can afford a right royal retirement. There is nothing wrong hitting retirement in a strong monetary situation if that is what you achieve. However, stressing about it when you will have enough to live on - thanks to the NZ social welfare system - is bonkers.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Car Crashes: Feeling The Squeeze

Some will not be denied a parking space

If you're small, don't take on the big boys

It would have been easier to go straight

No point making driving easy

This driver certainly got the squeeze

This is not the fast lane

Some parking spaces are just too tight

Friday, November 6, 2015

Life Explained



On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.




On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.







On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."



The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.






On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Car Crashes: Out & About

"Sit still until we think of what to do".

This driver must have been insane. Well almost

New meaning to taking a sports car for a spin

Knocked from pillar to post

Helps with the unloading if you get as close as you can

So do you want to drive or take the metro?

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The NZ Plover

Not a photo I took but a good example of the plover


I have noticed what seems to me to be an increase in what is called the masked lapwing, masked plover, spur-winged plover or occasionally just plover. It is quite a large bird, found in Australia, New Zealand and New Guinea. It is seen on the ground searching for food such as insects and worms and spends most of its time on terra firma.




Not long back I was awakened at night to loud bird cries above the house. It sounded like a large flock of these plovers was circling above our roof and it went on for some time. It has never happened again but it got me curious about this species. It has a distinctive call and not one that is melodious.

I cycle on some grassy slopes near where I live and see them foraging, always in pairs. I once heard one squawking above me so stopped my bike to see what the commotion was about. I then watched one swooping at a hawk that was gliding around the area. The hawk eventually decided it wasn't worth the trouble and moved on.

Behind our house there is a pieces of waste land and two plovers have taken it as their home. When I walk or cycle through it they cry out to each other in a warning type of call. At one stage the male would take off and then dive at me. Shortly after a young bird appeared and I saw it a few times. I went back one day to take a photo, although you cannot get close without them taking flight and coming at you. As it turned out I didn't see the young one and haven't since.

They still get tetchy when I pass but the dive bombing has stopped. I wonder if that is because the young one isn't around or they recognise me and that I don't try to antagonise them. Perhaps a bit of both. Certainly an unusual bird with attitude.