Thursday, August 28, 2014

A Parrot Came to Visit....

..but one of them isn't a parrot at all.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A Must Watch About Technology

I walk down the road and around town, and I see this so often. Wires hanging out of ears, no eye contact. People glued to small screens. People without a life....

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Silent Wind In Church

Bill and Mary were enjoying the Chapel service but about half way through the sermon, Mary let her mind wander. Inadvertently she let out some wind. Concerned of the unpleasant consequence, Mary took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Bill.

The note said:" I just let out some silent wind, what do you think I should do?"

Bill scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Friday, August 15, 2014

Dead Crow Finding

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. 

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% with a car. 

Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could call "Car", not a single one could call "Lorry."

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Religious Horse

A man went to purchase a horse from a religious man. The reason why that was important was how the horse was trained. Before the man left with his horse, he was told that the only way the horse would run was by calling 'holy smoke' and it would not stop unless it heard 'hell's bells'. The seller did warn the new owner the horse was a challenge to ride.

The man took it home and couldn't wait to give his new mount a ride. He called out "Holy smoke" and the horse bolted. It ran so fast the man struggled to control it, despite being a very capable rider. Up ahead loomed a sheer cliff and the horse charged toward it. With all that was going on, he forgot what to say to stop it.

As the precipice drew close, the new owner frantically racked his brain for the essential phrase. Just when it seemed too late, he recalled it and shouted "Hell's bells". The horse screeched to a halt, and the wayward steed's front hoofs came to rest right on the edge of the cliff. The man leaned forward, then fell back in the saddle with fright. He sat slumped, and in a relieved tone muttered "Holy smoke".

Saturday, August 9, 2014

A Dwarf's Medical Problem

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area. The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk. He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, the lady dwarf hears "snip, snip, snip, snip." The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

"How's that?" he says

"Well, it's a lot better actually, but..... it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. "Snip, snip, snip, snip." Out he comes again. 'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

"That's wonderful! What did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Goat Visits

Our neighbours allow their goat to go wandering, and Toby (his name) duly obliges. He found our place and the grass seemed to his liking. We don't mind that but we are concerned that his taste may move on to the flowers and vegetables. So we took him home and his owners seemed not too concerned about his wandering. If he eats anything more than grass, he certainly will get on our goat.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Learning To Play Fair

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is, what a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy replieded "Yes".

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him bad names. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or something similar is it?"

The little boy shook his head.

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"