Friday, October 22, 2010

Training Courses For Women

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
14. Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
15. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
16. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
17. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
18. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
19. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both
20. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Typical Female Brain:

Typical Male Brain:

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Lost Hot Air Ballonist

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended and shouted, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I’m lost.”

She replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground. You are about 40 degrees north and about 60 degrees west.”

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Seaplane Landing In Picton, New Zealand.

I was in Picton, Marlborough, NZ, when this seaplane was about to land at the harbour. I quickly got my camera ready and got this footage. You don't see many of them these days.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The New Junior Employee

The boss invited a new junior employee to come into his office. "What is your name?" he asked.

"Alistair," the new guy replied.

The boss scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Alistair Darling."

The boss said, "Okay, Alistair, the next thing I want to tell you is…"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Schoolboy Howlers

Phone answering machine - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.