Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Blonde and Brunette Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, 'Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,'It's just 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, 'I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'.'

The telegraph operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's a blonde the word's big. She'll read it slowly...out loud... ('com-for-da-bul').'

Monday, June 29, 2009

Honesty With Ourselves

Many people would never think of stealing from you or even telling a blatant lie to your face. Such persons would therefore view themselves as honest. However, there is another type of honesty that is the title of this piece. It is the hardest honesty to carry out, and it is not easy to realise we even have an issue with it.

How is this problem manifest? Well, the thought process starts with what one wants an answer to be, and then we let that lead us to a conclusion. This gives a comfortable answer that we feel we can live with. Self honesty could lead to a conclusion that is uncomfortable, even painful. So we don't go there. If that is how we reason, then there is a problem with self-honesty. Such a person reluctantly or never admits errors, and is always justifying him or herself.

How do we beat it? When we analyse something, we have to let the facts dictate what the truth is. If this brings us to an awkward realisation, so be it. Then we can contemplate how we can learn from this, change and become a better person. It's how we achieve personal growth. Actually, we repect people more if they acknowledge mistakes and are ready to apologise. We probably enjoy their company more too. It also makes us feel better within as well, due to it lifting our self esteem as we improve ourselves.

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Flowers

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Josie listened to the instructor declare: 'It is essential that husbands and wives both know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Kindness


Isn’t it nice when someone shows kindness to us in some way? It could be a thoughtful word, an offer of help, or even a caring smile as we pass. Kindness adds so much to other people, yet costs nothing to share.
I was helping an elderly lady in a supermarket the other day. She was very appreciative but then I sensed she got a little nervous as to why a stranger would want to help her. Time to back off and leave it at that I thought.

Still, being kind to others rewards both the giver and recipient. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world of kindness and trust? There is never a better time to start something good than now.

The Fastest Moped


A young man buys the fastest sports car he can find. He goes out for a drive and reaches traffic lights and looks down the open road ahead, ready to test how fast it goes.

An elderly man on a moped pulls up along side and leans over to the sports car to admire the interior. The lights change and the young man floors his boot and roars away. He has barely got going when he sees a fast approaching object in his rear view mirror. Zzzzooom. The old man on the moped flies past. Next minute, Zzzzooom. He flies back the other way.


The young man is horrified to think a moped can outrun his expensive car. Then he sees the moped roaring back from behind again. Bang. This time he smacks into the back of the car. The young man stops and gets out to see if the old man’s OK. The super rocket moped is a write off, but old man has survived the impact, albeit a little worse for wear. The young man asks if there is anything he can do as he looks at the old man lying on his wrecked moped.

The elderly man says "Yes, could you unhook my suspender from your side mirror".

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Beautiful Fantail


The Fantail is a beautiful native bird of NZ. It is friendly and often comes close up to humans, only to dart away with incredible agility. It is unusual for a native bird of NZ to be outgoing. They also live happily near people, as long as there are plenty of trees around.

One day in late summer of 2009, I had set up a sprinkler to go from a nearly horizontal spray to vertical, going up and down repeatedly. As the water shot upright, it was next to a tree in the garden. As I came out to check the water to see if the sprinkler needed moving, a fantail had come along and was darting out of the tree into the water as it reached its zenith. He would flutter back and forth with the darting movements its wide tail feathers allow. When the water went down, he would perch in the tree. As it came up again, he would repeat the flight, tweeting happily while enjoying the shower.

I held back from moving the sprinkler as long as I could but eventually turned off the tap and moved it elsewhere away from the tree. As I did so, it’s tweet became almost squawk like, as if to say, “Hey, I was enjoying that”. It sat in the tree for some time seemingly telling me off. I felt bad, as I do love them. He then took off into the trees behind our house. I could have tried to photograph this birds antics, but I felt it would not have been easy to see.
I marvelled at its intelligence and seeming understanding of my taking it’s shower away. It left me in awe of our loving creator.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fishing With Dad

A man took his son fishing one day. After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions. "How does the boat float?" he asked.
The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son."

"Well, how do fish breath underwater?" The man scratched his head.

"I guess I don't know the answer to that one either."

"Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted.

The father replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions. "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?"

His father immediately reassured him. "No, of course not, son! If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

English May be Changing

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Tickets Please

Two groups of three men are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the first three men each buy tickets and watch as the second three buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks the first three.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the second three.

They all board the train. The first three take their respective seats, but the second three cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The first three men saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy them on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the second three do not buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?", they say.

"Watch and you will see", is the answer.

When they board the train, the first men cram into a toilet and the others into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the second three leaves his toilet and walks over to the other toilet. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

Check Up

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks. "10.." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10... 9... 8... 7..."

The Big As Texas Sale

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting slumped and exhausted, in a chair.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'

The Bull Dog Named Spike

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog Spike, he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"