Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Some Jokes

I got sacked a few nights back from the soup kitchen. All I said was, 'Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' 

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. 

She replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the cat!' 


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry ok?' 

I said, 'Go on then, just one song'.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked around and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Daylight Saving

People rarely talk about daylight saving other than to say they like the longer summer evenings. Well I do not like it, and here is why.

1) We have so many time pieces around the place, it takes ages adjusting them, not once, but twice a year. Boo.

2) It upsets the internal clock we have. I feel slightly jet-lagged for a couple of weeks after the change.

3) Why not just accept the natural seasonal changes and work with nature, not trying to always manipulating things?

One thing about the state of Queensland in Australia, they do not do daylight saving. Well done. I wish other places had the common sense they do in this matter.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Spring Is Here

It is now spring 'down under'. There is still a chill in the morning though and the wind has been cool too. The snow is only just disappearing from nearby ranges. However, so nice to see the blossoms out and a little warmth in the air.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Clever Business Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

A sign at a RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Road To Nowhere

I am guessing that many towns have a road to nowhere, one that was supposed to happen, but didn't. Our town has one, designed to go into a new subdivision, but made redundant by later plans that excluded this street. One driveway uses it for car access, but the postal address is in the other road.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Friday, September 2, 2011

Ideal Times To Drink Water

Drinking water at certain time maximizes it's effectiveness on the body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs

1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion

1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure

1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack