Sunday, March 28, 2010

Actual Comments Fielded by US Travel Agents......Part 1

A woman asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? When I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT. I'm overweight"

The city code for Fresno is FAT, the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

              *****************

A man asked, "How do I know which plane to get on? I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

             *****************

A woman said "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever."

              *****************

A business man asked about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

When I told him his stay required a visa this he said, "I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

              *****************

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal"

Actual Comments Fielded By US Travel Agents......Part 2

Someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

A woman wanted to go to Capetown. After explaining the length of the flight she interrupted with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. He expected an ocean-view room in Orlando. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A lady needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand time zones. I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Job Interviews


Jog interviews can be quite intimidating at the best of times but it isn't made any easier when the interviewer asks the most stupid questions or says ridiculous things such as "We expect our employees to give more than 100%". I hate that because there is no such thing as more than 100% effort. 100% is all you can give. So what do they want, blood out of a stone? Yet if you said that, they would conclude you were not a committed person.

Well now, with a new method, it can be proved mathematically what more than 100% really is. If you allocate a value to each letter of the alphabet, e.g. A= 1, B=2...Z=26, then apply that score to each letter in the word, you find the true value of the word. Here are some examples:

Knowledge = 96%, very useful in a job.
Hard work = 98%, even better.
Attitude = 100%, way to go.
Nonsense = 105%, what can I say.

So when a future employer asks for more than 100%, you know what he is talking.

When Beautiful Becomes Ugly

There was a time than when a man liked a woman, he would ask if he could court her, thereby getting to know her and hopefully win her affections. If so, he would ask her father for her hand in marriage. Once married, he would have earned the right to consummate that union with intimacy. That is beautiful.

Today, if a man likes a woman (or vise versa), he immediately thinks of sex. He doesn't know her but he goes about trying to get it. It may lead to more sex or, if not, finding someone else to score with.

There maybe all sorts of various scenarios to this, but the bottom line is that two people are treating something most sacred - an act that produces another life - as if it was as common as a hand shake. It gets complicated too as people get hurt, have abortions, get diseases, children raised without a father etc. You get the point.

Even if today's relationships do lead to marriage, has a foundation been laid so that the union and the physical side of it will be treated with respect? Will they find marriage restrictive after years of promiscuity? I wonder if a certain well known golfer fell into this bunker?

This happens because something that could be beautiful has got ugly. People having sex without having earned the right to. It's wrong, yet it continues. What was beautiful has become ugly. It doesn't have to be this way.

Friday, March 19, 2010

NZ Music

You don't think of New Zealand perhaps when music comes to mind. There have been some good music to come out of the Shaky Isles though. Copy and paste the link if you want to see and hear the song.

One very popular group is Crowded House who put out a few songs I liked. You can see a song of theirs on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCqsG1t7RoU


Another I liked a couple of tunes from is Golden Horse. Lead singer Kirsten Morell has the most expressive eyes too, although it is the music that counts. Naturally.


My favourite for them is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a1try9_sZo

Finally Bic Runga has put out some nice songs. This is my personal favourite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w28ZREQe3_Q

Messages From The Dog

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG!

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

Tricks involving balancing food on my nose... stop it!

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Wow, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?

We both know who's boss here!!! You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

From The Department Of Social Security

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Tell me why this is so.

Mrs Brown has had no clothes for a year and has been regularly visited by the clergy.

I am sending my marriage certificate & two children, one of which was a mistake as you will see.

I want money as quickly as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. If things don’t improve, I’ll send for another doctor.

I have no children yet. My husband is a bus driver, works day and night.

I have been co-habiting with several officers at HQ but so far with no results.

I’m glad to say that husband, who was reported missing, is now dead.

Unless I get my husband’s money, I’ll be forced to lead an immortal life.

The teeth on the top are all right, but ones on my bottom hurt terribly.

This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it?

Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord.

Milk is wanted for my little boy as the father is unable to supply it.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Sailing Marborough Sounds

I must go down to the seas again,
to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship
and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song
and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face
and a grey dawn breaking.
- John Masefield

I went down to the sea yesterday on the Marlborough Sounds, New Zealand. Here are a few photos of the trip.



We finally reached Furneaux Lodge, pictured below.











Then it was back home after a long day on the water. Beautiful.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Accident Excuses From An Insurance Company

Coming home I drove into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don’t own.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought the window was down, but it was up and I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the kerb, glanced at my mother in law and went over an embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the officer I wasn’t injured but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow wouldn’t make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving sad gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car.