Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Talking Bar


A man went up to the barman and ordered a drink. With his drink, the barman gave him a bowl of peanuts, and from the bowl of peanuts the man heard a voice say, "I think you look great." But the man just ignored it.

Then the man went over to the jukebox, put his money in and got nothing out. He heard a voice from the machine say, "I have never seen such an ugly face."

At this point, the man was confused, so he told the barman about the voices, and the barman said, "The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the jukebox was plain out of order."

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Shaky Isles


The above term was once used to describe New Zealand, but not so much now. It came about because of New Zealand's earthquake activity. Well in a small town in NZ, which hasn't had much seismic activity, the town clock is cordoned off due to its being an earthquake risk. Amazing.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You go to school, drink alcohol, party, and get lucky.
You become a kid, you play, and have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby where you are loved, cuddled and people bend
to your every whim.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap...




However, I don't mind it going the usual way, as long as it stops at the point we are young and healthy....

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The School Play



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Signs I Have Seen At Work Places

For those who doubt the resurrection of the dead should see our staff at closing time!

Miracles We Do Immmediately...The Impossible Takes A Little Longer.



Your pointing at it won't help, the computer says we have none in stock.

Rule #1: The Boss is always right.
Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, see rule #1



If your boss is a crank, maybe it's because you are not a self-starter.

In God We Trust...All Others Pay Cash.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Light 'n Funny Plus Opinion Summary 2011

This blog started in June 2009 as a light hearted thing. The opinion side was added later to give it an occasional serious note - hopefully not too much so. In July 2010, Google started giving bloggers a hit count so I could gauge visitor numbers, and for 2011, there will be about 4,300 hits in total, or 360 hits per month.

Self Contradicting Phrases - Top 30 has always been popular but lately
Your Name...(Romantic) and Tui Advertisements were two very popular blogs.

Where do you come from?
Since July 2010 as follows:

USA 36.4%
NZ 10.2%
UK 7.3%
Australia 5.0%
Others 41.1%

Visitors from Germany, Russia and Canada have been solid also. January 2012 will be a busy blog month for me with my car sales blog, but there will still be plenty here too.

I have kept the blog an advertisement free zone. It is a hobby and a pleasure, not a business. It is nice to have you along. You don't have to be registered to leave a comment and your feedback - whether a positive thought or constructive criticism - is welcome. So please come again and enjoy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Groan

The wife was counting all 5 cent and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of mugs saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


An Indian man has just moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Heard On The London Underground


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your b8%#dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a#%e sideways!'

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common.' (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''' (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Suntan Lotion


Just as well he brought the roller too!