Friday, January 28, 2011

The Indian Barber

A young boy in India enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?

The boy replied, "Because the day I take the 5 rupee coin, the game is over.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Not Even For You Would I ....

A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said: This is from the gentleman seated over there.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

He wrote a reply, handed it to the waiter to return this to the woman. It read: I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Jaguar XKR in my garages. I have over twenty million dollars in my bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut two inches off. Just send the bottle back.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Varying Sounds In English

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

So True

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Czech Mate

A Pole and a Czech went into the Australian outback. They were by a river and the Czech went to the riverside to wash when a big crocodile swallowed him whole. The Pole ran for help and by chance found a local hunter. They ran to the spot where the Czech had been attacked but in the water there were two crocs.

"The larger one is the male and the smaller the female, so which one is he in" yelled the hunter.

"I think he is in the male" replied the Pole.

The hunter leapt into the river with his knife, killed the female croc, cut it open and pulled out the startled Czech man.

"How did you know he was in the female" asked the Pole. His reply?

“My father always said ‘Never trust anyone who says that the Czech is in the Male’”.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Risky Mathematics

An elderly woman asks her husband: Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?

Looking over her carefully, he replies: Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Whoa, hold on there sweety!” he interrupted. “I haven't added them up yet!”

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Do You See, Watson?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. They put up their tent and went to sleep. Sherlock wakes up Watson with the question “What do you see, Watson?”

He replies “I see millions of stars”.

“So what does that tell you?” Sherlock asks.

Watson thought for a while and said “Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be about 3am. Theologically, it becomes evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are so insignificant. Meteorological, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

Feeling that he has observed all that could have been, Watson retorts “So what does it tell you, Sherlock?”

Sherlock Holmes replies “You idiot, it tells you that someone has stolen our tent”.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Blonde At Heaven’s Gate

A Blonde went to Heaven and upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T''?

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered and then decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, the second question is' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

The blonde replies 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of 12 seconds.'

St Peter said 'I'll allow the answer to stand. Now can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

This totally floored St Peter so he asked 'How did you arrive at that answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Picton, New Zealand

The gateway to the Marlorough Province in New Zealand is a town called Picton. This video is taken from a pedestrian bridge to the east of the town centre.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Daddy Long Legs

Daddy Long Legs are arachnids. This one had many young and had set up home under a shelf on a wall unit.

They certainly are prolific breeders. Of course, the attrition rate is heavy, as was the case with this nest.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Monkey Business

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the man, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

He says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yes, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and other items he ate."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the things the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his rear, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his rear, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yes, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Bumble Bee In My Garden

This shot was taken in my garden, the bee is leaving a courgette flower.

I love Bumble Bees. It is only recently that scientists found out that their unique wing movement of creating updraft with both forward and rearward motions enables them to fly. Up until that discovery, it was considered a mystery how they could get airborne. Now man understands the incredible design that allows the 'impossible' to happen.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Silent Treatment

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Pelorus Waterfall

Near where I live: