Monday, August 31, 2009

How About A Game?


Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into the country legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter here"

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Monday, August 24, 2009

Empathy

Empathy, a word rarely heard and therefore a quality not thought about much. Despite this, most people have some empathy inherently within as part of the human spirit. Therefore it is not hard for us to feel empathy if we allow it to well up within us.

A definiton of empathy is that it is the ability to identify with and understand another’s feelings and situation. So empathy starts when we comprehend the circumstances of someone else, and then feel for them.

Empathy is an attractive quality. When we are down or depressed, we are drawn to a person who can understand and share our pain. Empathetic people are good listeners too. By listening carefully we begin to understand what the person's problems are. It also helps us know if their position genuinely warrants our sympathy.

Then once we realise they truly need our empathy, then we know to give our feelings and think about what to say, when to listen and how we may be able to offer practical support.

Of course, there are so many people that could be helped, we could burn ourselves out trying to do too much. Also, the world generates problems that we cannot fix and in fact will not be fixed until a government comes along that actually cares for its own citizens. However, when we do meet some that are down for some reason, feeling for them, sympathising with them and giving practical help as we can is what makes humans so special.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Sayings


If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Aim lower; reach your goals, avoid disappointment

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick up the rear.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you’re good you will be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you will get out of it.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'...........'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Why Is It...

Why Is It...that when you are busting to go to the toilet, your draw string on your track pants get knotted and and you end up hopping around desperately trying to undo it.

Why Is It...when you are driving down the road in a hurry, you will find a motorist in front of you with all the time in the world going nowhere fast.

Why Is It...when you rush into a supermarket and then find the shortest queue for a speedy get away, it proves to be the slowest.

Why Is It...that no one is talking to you in a party, so you take the opportunity to move to a corner where you can relieve some annoying wind, only to find that someone suddenly wants to catch up with you and they come over with a big smile...like a moth to light.

Why Is It...that if your name sounds like 'made off', people happily give you billions of dollars to invest, only to get upset when you did what your name suggested you would do with their money anyway.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Puns


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager from New Jersey came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't have chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, He suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Will You Live To See 90?

A man recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, the doctor said he was doing 'fairly well' for is age.

A little concerned about that comment, the man asked the doctor 'Do you think you'll live to be 90?'

The doctor replied 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' he replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't. I'm careful about my skin".

The doctor then asked, 'Do you gamble, party, or have a lot of sex?'

'No.

the doctor looked at him and said 'Then, why are you even caring?

Important Announcement

Due to recent election reversal and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the 'light at the end of the tunnel' has been turned off.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

The Wonders Of Women




'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.


If you give her love, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any grief, be ready to receive all of it back.'

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Blind cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nah……not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'