Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Amazing Cactus Flower - Part 1



In my garden, in a corner tucked away is a Cactus plant. The flowers point away from view. So I went onto the land behind the property and took these photos. Even though they are not easy to see for visitors, through the Internet, their beauty travels the world to your place. The individual flower only lasts a couple of days and then is gone. However, the Cactus does provide several flowers over a period of time so the display of flowers lasts a little longer. Amazing plants Cacti.


Marriage


I know someone who has been married for some time. He said for many years, it was a pleasure to be in wedlock. Then several years ago, like a light switch being flicked, things changed. Her moods now are variable and the fun, the closeness and the companionship aren't the same. Sometimes she denies there is a problem or she seems to blame him for how she feels. When she 'crashes', she blames herself. But the cycle repeats seemingly ad infinitum. He wants help to find a solution.

Sometimes he feels the relationship is like two sharing a flat rather than soul mates. She's distant much of the time and yet goes through the motions of marriage as if all is as it should be. However, with underlying suggestion of resentment toward him. He has thought of a trial separation to see if that improves things but believes if he goes, it needs to be for good as it won't change. She cannot seem to help it.

What do I say, is there an answer? Saying marriage is for better or for worse is cold comfort. It's hard to give advice and yet to say nothing feels weak. Plus this is supposed to be a light 'n funny site. So I guess what can be learned from this is there are people out there who are single and wish for happiness in a relationship. Others are in a union but are not really happy. I think being alone is better than in a relationship you don't want to be in. For any who have found satisfaction in a relationship, spare a thought for those out there who seek happiness.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Colourful Bird In My Garden


New Zealand isn't known for its colourful birds but this one was in our garden recently. I think it may have escaped from captivity, although it was having a good feed of seeds it was finding in the grass so maybe it was wild. It was relatively tame although it did fly off once I got to about 6-8 feet from it.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The NZ Bush


New Zealand is famous for its fern plants. The photograph above I took a few days ago on a bush walk near where we live. This one is a Punga I believe.
The photo below is of three trees that seem to have gown together at the base and separate as the rise upwards.


The final shot shows the forest floor of a typical NZ bush scene. Thick, lush and green. The beauty of God's creation never fails to leave me in awe.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Granny's Visit

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

The little guy grinned at her. "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the wall if you came to visit us again!"

Special Obituary


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but over bearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He also recently laid to rest his sister, Virtue and an older brother, Consideration for Other People. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner and two nieces, First in and First served. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Signs...


In a laundromat: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder please return it or further steps will be taken.

In a canteen: After tea break, please empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a disco: The most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Council sign: Quicksand. Any person passing beyond this point will be drowned. By order of the council.

At a cemetery: Due to vandalism, we ask anyone with relatives here please do your best to keep them in order.

At a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARS.

At a field: The farmers allows you to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about $200. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour have a few drinks and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

End Of School Year

It is near the end of year break at school. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.


Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these girls would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Quiz

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way).

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?


Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions).

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. Every animal attends except one. Which animal does not attend?


Answer: The elephant. It’s in the refrigerator. (This question tests your memory).

4. There is a river you must cross but it is the home of crocodiles. How do you manage it?



Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. (This tests whether you learn quickly).

Children Can Catch You Out


One day a little girl was watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink while doing some baking. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Monday, December 7, 2009

Genuine Concern Or Just Plain Nosy


There seems to be a fine line between being genuinely interested in others and being just plain nosy. How do we differentiate? It comes down to motive. Are we really wishing the best for someone? Then wanting to know how they are doing is out of concern for their welfare. However, if we don't really feel for the person, then wanting to know their business is nosy. A good way of telling if we really care for someone is how news about them makes us feel. If good news makes us happy and bad news hurts us, then we care about them.


The media is full of incidents and stories about the rich and famous. We don't know them so it's basically nosiness that moves us to want to know what is going on with their lives.

The way the world is heading, caring for others is increasingly rare. We all have a tendency to be self focused and the style of life in the modern world pushes us that way. However, true happiness comes from caring for others and they reciprocating those feelings.

Then our interest in them is from genuine concern.

Take Note

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the headwith a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan. the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Frozen Carburetor

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

Just A Wee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. 'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified; the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. 'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her.'

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Portable Listening


I accept technology with caution. I do not assume that just because others embrace a particular technical advance, that I need to also. I got into computers eventually, after a boss I had showed me the wonders of spreadsheets. (Word processing is useful too). I now do all sorts of things on it. It took a while longer to go online. I had to see benefits before taking the plunge.

Cell phones were a different kettle of fish. I reluctantly did buy one for a job I needed it for, but once I changed employment, it soon became a dust gather in a cupboard. I now only bring it out for travel in case I need it for an emergency. Otherwise, people can leave a message on my answer machine at home. I certainly dislike a phone following me everywhere, being at eveyone's beckon call. Telecom providers horrendously rip us off in NZ too, on price per minute.

I have now bought a portable mp3 player. It is a very useful device. I have listened to articles I have downloaded for educational purposes and will now add some music to entertain me also. I won't walk around public areas with a blank look, shut off form all others, as I listen to whatever takes my fancy. That to me is antisocial and uncaring. I would rather interact with others with a smile as I pass and hear the sounds of life around me. After all, the best music one will ever hear is the song of birds.