Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Irish Trains

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Irish Railway Company

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Olympic Joke #2

At the Olympic Games, a lady meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.

'Excuse me,' she says to the man. 'Are you a pole vaulter?'

'No,"' says the man, 'I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

Sunday, June 24, 2012

But I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'

Quick as a flash, the young man replied 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..'

With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Cab Ride

OK, it's supposed to be light funny or an opinion, but I thought I'd bend the rules this time.

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I walked to the door and knocked.

'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.

'I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Nothing Changes

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Olympic Joke #1

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman...He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well...I never actually met Frank. He died and unfortunately I married his widow."

Pic: http://inhabitat.com

Monday, June 4, 2012

Record Hits In May 2012

A blog like this can get buried with so many out there doing similar things. I like to think it has a little extra variety, something for all if you like. A couple of years ago, getting past 100 hits a month was the goal. It is growing and started to really take off. Last month, 1,150 hits! I guess it takes a while to get noticed, then a solid core of viewers returning.

The most popular blogs of May were 'A Student Who Got 0% On His Exams' (already 4th all time most popular), evergreen 'Self Contradicting Phrases' (all time top) and 'Tui Advertisements' (all time 2nd). Nations that were the most interested in Light 'n Funny were USA 25%, NZ 12.5%, UK 8.1%, Australia 3.5%, followed by the Philippines, Malaysia, India, Belgium, Russia and Canada.

This is a commercial free blog, where you can leave comments without even signing in. (If any comment promotes business at all, it is deleted asap). The Internet is about sharing information. Jokes, personal life and thoughts are what are here. You are welcome any time and enjoy your visit.

Sports Ethics Question

Here is a golf ethics question for you and your golfing buddies. What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.

You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep
in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating so and so's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Cycle Track: Part 1

This cycle track runs for several kilometres behind this town in New Zealand. It offers relatively easy and pleasant pedalling through a variety of landscape. The pictures run from west to east.

It all starts here.

A small period of open land, then the rest of this first stage is mostly through trees, as the pictures following reveal.

For part 2 click here and part 3 click here.

Cycle Track: Part 2

Then comes the second part of the run.

It continues mainly through trees with occasional open areas.

One of those brief open areas, with bridges at each end of the clearing.

Opening up for the assent to the Harling Park section.

For part 1 click here and part 3 click here.

Cycle Track: Part 3

This is the start of the final section. It is mainly in open terrain, with a track cutting through dry grass on sloping ground.

The route here drifts to the right, then comes back just below the sunset line going left along the lower photograph.

Cattle stop bridges connect slopes.

The next three are typical of this section.

Ducks gathering at the local water hole, in this case a pond for the livestock.

The longest mile is the last mile home....the last stretch of the separate track before joining a farm vehicle road leading to another stage of the route.

All three stages above all are one continuous run. This is part of a long series of bike tracks that circle most of the town.

For part 1 click here and part 2 click here.