Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My New Bike


I got a new bike the other day. The last one was a good decade old and a four inch nail on the road ruining the rear wheel saw it end its days with me. I would really miss not having a bike. It gives me transport when my better half is using the car. It is cheap to run, gives me exercise too and I enjoy it.

A few days ago, I took my first ride in the farm park behind where we live. It involves a dirt road winding through farmland, some hilly. Sheep and cattle often need to be negotiated, as do gates. Twenty minutes at a fair clip is a good work out for me along the track. Well, I came across a sizable flock of sheep and they duly parted as I approached at reduced speed. When I was going between the last two sheep, one went right and the other left. I then started to accelerate but suddenly one decided to turn and run across in front of me. I ran straight into his stomach and he pulled my wheel to one side. I headed for the gravel track and I did a smart thing. I let myself hit the dirt and didn't worry about the new bike. I had no injury and the bike only a scuffed handle stopper. I was so lucky and the sheep ran off without injury too. They are heavy creatures when you hit them broadside. Stopped me dead.

I plan to return when the incessant rain we have been having leaves. I will look out for the culprit, no doubt with a sheepish grin on his mug. On second thoughts, that might not be enough, as they all seeam to wear one of those. Oh well, next time I will be more cautious as the fickle sheep part. I will certainly be more careful with the cows too, as they weigh considerably more.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Unusual Thinking....

While looking at a house, a man asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When he explained that the sun rises in the east, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . .

A person called to ask what hours the call center was open. He said, "24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

A woman got sunburned on her weekend drive in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

A lady has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


A store was discounting beer 10% so the men bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave them a 20% discount.



A woman had a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. A man asked his friend "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"



A lady was picking sandwiches from the sub place last week and asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. The lady asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey.

A man couldn't find his luggage at the airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there. She smiled and told him not to worry because she was a trained professional and that he was in good hands. "Then she said, "has your plane arrived yet?".

Fascinating Facts

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. A. Skinny dipping.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men. A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%. Although the men that do wash their hands are more thorough than women.

Q. What do 100% of lottery winners do? A. Gain weight.

Q. In a survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. A. Banana.

Q. If you spell out numbers, how far until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand. (US counting method)

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. (Is that all?)

Q. Married men do this twice as often as single men. A. Change their underwear.

Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A. A kiss.

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil. A. Honey.

Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.

Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. A. Wear underwear.

Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide? A. A fart.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Monogamy


Scenario #1: You go to a restaurant regularly and have a full menu of dishes to select from. You take what you fancy and enjoy the varied selection. Imagine if one day they said there is only sirloin steak on the menu and that would be the case from now on. How would you feel? Would you miss the choice you had previously? Of course you would.





Scenario #2: You go to a restaurant and all they have on the menu is vegetables and a side salad. No other option. Wholesome it is but not exactly appetising is it? Then on one visit you are asked if you would like sirloin steak with your order. Wow, yes please. From every time then on, a nice juicy steak with each meal!

Application of above scenarios:
#1: A person who has a carefree moral life prior to marriage has plenty of choice and enjoys the variety. Then along comes matrimonial union and suddenly the choice is no choice. Just the same person from then on for the rest of your intimate life. Could it feel restrictive? I would say so.
#2: A person is celibate all their single life. Then they get married and now they get to enjoy intimacy for the first time and many times thereafter. This is so much better than singleness and celibacy.

Summary:
The contrast is one going from unlimited choice to none and the other from nothing to something very nice. One perhaps feels they now miss out and the other is getting so much more. Which married person will be happier? Who will more likely be faithful to their mate? Studies indicate the more promiscuous one is before marriage, the less chance of being as happy and as faithful within the marital union. Obvious really.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Truths For Mature Humans Part 1

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history within minutes after you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

7. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.



10. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

Truths For Mature Humans Part 2


1. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

2. I hate leaving my house, confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

3. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

4. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

5. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Your're Not Safe here Area" routing option.

6. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

7. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

8. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

9. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

10. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond when you are about to tip over after leaning your chair back a little too far.

11. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

It's Raining Again


In the town where I live in New Zealand, we had no meaningful rain for about eight months. The last two weeks has seen rain almost daily. Above is the river through town normally. The results of the rain you can see below. The water level is down from its peak but you get the idea.


In the above photo, there are walkways usually on both sides and a narrow river through the middle fed by clear water from a spring. The nice fountain area in the photo above is at the end of this view.


I cycle along the river bank here on the paths provided. Well maybe another day.


There is also a scale railway that runs past here for the young and those young at heart. Again all that and the pathing all well under water.

This town was called Beavertown many years ago due to its regular floods. A diversion of most of the water and a dam nearby has stopped the town going under water. The river still comes up pretty quickly even so.

That's How We Do It 'Round Here

We start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang some bananas on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray him and all of the monkeys with cold water from above. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will stop it doing so.

Now remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is likewise attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm too! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. They have have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs but will still stop any that tries. No monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.

So that is how many things are done within human societies. So don't beat up on those who ask 'Why'? Maybe they have a point.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Bank Account Prize

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $ 86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be: Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you. You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $ 86,400.00 for that day.

The second set of rules: The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, “It’s over, the game is over!” It can close the account and you will not receive a new one. What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself. You would try to spend every cent, and use it all.

Each of us is in possession of such a “magical” bank. We just can’t see it. The magical bank is time. Each awakening morning we receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is not credited to us. What we haven’t lived up that day is forever lost. Yesterday is forever gone. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time, without warning. Well, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds? Aren’t they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

So enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

Perks Of Old(er) Age


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run...anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.