Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Poet's Hospital

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye tak yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs ma airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, courin, timrous beasty,
O whit a panic's in thy breasty,
Tha needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickerin' brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Something Fishy

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel as a gift for her grandson. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a 2 metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zibo reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally blows off. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had blown off.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

Monday, February 21, 2011

Words With Two Meanings

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...Any part under a car's bonnet. Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female..Opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..Playing sport without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female...An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "I'll have chicken thanks."

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Difference Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay £2 for an item he needs that he could have found somewhere for £1. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS: A man has a few items in his bathroom. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Cycle With Your Friends?

The problems:

If you want to go cycling with friends, you cannot talk easily with them.

Riding side by side can be dangerous, unless the road is very wide.

Undulating roads can be tough going too.

If the weather takes a turn for the worse during the journey, an unpleasant ride home could be for you.

The alternative:

How about a ride where talking is easy to do.

One that is totally safe from traffic.

The weather need not be a problem either.

You can stop anytime you like and be back home straight away.

The riding itself isn't that strenuous.

Other people assist in the effort.

Is this sort of cycling for you?

The solution is pictured below....

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Monk's Secret

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks a gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk".

The man sets about his task. Some forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says "I have trave l led the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".

The monks reply "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says "The sound is behind that door".

The monks give him the key. He unlocks the door and behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man unlocks the stone door also, only to find a door made of ruby. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last door".

The man is relieved to no end. He opens the door, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

....But of course you can't be told what it is because you're not a monk.

Photo: Adrian Lazar (flickr).

The News Hits Home

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I Am Thankful ...

...for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, as he is home with me and not out at a bar.

...for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes as it means he is at home, not on the streets.

...for the taxes I pay as it means I am employed.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug as it means I have enough to eat.

...for the mess to clean up after a party as it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...for the lawns that need mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing as it means I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the parking spot I find at the end of the parking lot as it means I am capable of walking and I have a car.

...for my heating bill as it means I am warm.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key as it means I can hear.

...for the pile of laundry and ironing as it means I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day as it means I been capable of working hard.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early hours because it means I am alive.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Night Sky Above My Home

A few days ago, I took this photo of the evening sky above my home.

What a wonderful world.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Rectum Deodorant!

A young lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum Deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold rectum deodorant. Unfazed, the lass assures the pharmacist that she has been buying it from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the girl.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", she said, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to Her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the young woman snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container..."TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Life Is Like A Footprint In The Sand

Life is indeed like a footprint in the sand at the waters edge. It is there one minute and gone the next. When you are young, your life stretches out ahead of you and it is difficult to imagine yourself as aged. Then you suddenly look back and realise how short it proved to be. Then when we die, we are soon forgotten. I know virtually nothing of my great grandparents. They are just names now. A footprint washed away.

Below is a photo of my footprint in the sand.

A few moments later, water washed over it and it was gone.

That sums up life to me. If we believe in evolution or an indifferent God, when we die the footprint is gone forever. If we believe in a caring God, we then rest our hope on the resurrection. The footprint then not only returns, but remains as if set in stone. Permanent, enduring and our life then has meaning. Death has no meaning, but being alive does.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Humour For Lexophiles (lovers of words) Part 2

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

We'll never run out of maths teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Humour For Lexophiles (lovers of words) Part 1

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.