Sunday, November 26, 2017

A Conversation After Resurrection


SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer....we'd both still be alive.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Five Top Regrets

Bonnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which she later put her observations into a book called 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying'. Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Group Therapy For Mums



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy"

He turned to the second mother, Ann "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny"

He turned to the third mother, Kathy "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy"



At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...."Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home"

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Zen Teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just push off and leave me alone.

No one is listening....until you pass wind.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, other days you are the tree.

Good judgment comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our rear end - then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a prod on the accelerator.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Exercise Regime For Those Who Struggle To Do Any


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface. Make sure you have plenty of room at each side. With a 10 lb (5 kg) potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 25 lb (10-kg) potato sacks then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 60 lb (25 kg) potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, try putting a potato in each sack.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Crazy Labels


On dessert packaging (printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down"

On peanuts "Warning: contains nuts."

On child cough medicine "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"

On pudding label "Product will be hot after heating"

On a hairdryer "Do not use while sleeping"

On a bag of Fritos "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"

On a frozen dinner "Serving suggestion: Defrost"

On packaging for an electric iron "Do not iron clothes on body"

On a Sleep Aid "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

On Christmas lights "For indoor or outdoor use only"

On a Japanese food processor "Not to be used for the other use"

On a packet of nuts "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"

On an assorted chocolate box "Contains nuts and/or other nuts"