Friday, October 20, 2017

What They Could Be Thinking

I would love to look down, but I'd better not. The camera is on us.
Any howl you can do, I can do better
Now where did I put those darned keys
What a dumb joke but I'd better laugh
Just when you want to be left alone, some jerk with a camera turns up....

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Things Difficult To Say When Drunk

As drunkenness makes one look foolish and often behave disgustingly, I put this on my blog to make that point. I do not wish to encourage excess drinking by making light of it.

Things hard to say

Innovative
Preliminary
Anesthetist
Cinnamon
Chrysanthemum

It is even harder to say Specificity

Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
Anti-constitutionalistically
Transubstantiate
Sphygmomanometer

Apparently it is impossible to say

Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I'd hate to look like a fool.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to throw up in the street.
I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Men are like...


Men are like...

... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their rubbish.
... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around near a TV.
... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
... plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

PS. Just as well I'm not like that.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Texas Sayings

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

If you’re thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Frypan


Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear mother,

I'm not saying you did take a frying pan from my house, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Peter.


Peter soon received an email from his mother which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now.

Love mum.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Snoring

The guys were all at Charlie's deer camp. No one wanted to room with Charlie, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy roomed with Charlie and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They asked the first guy what happened and he said 'Charlie snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was Frank's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They asked him the same thing and he said, 'Man, that Charlie shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Billy's turn. Billy was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went in and tucked Charlie into bed, patted him on the butt, then kissed him good night. Charlie sat up and watched me all night.'

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Corny Wisdom

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

You've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Thoughts For The Day...

Birds of a feather flock together...and poo on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Things To Ponder

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

I know you may think you know what I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you think I said is not really what I meant.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of Smart?

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but some abuse that right.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Logical Musings


I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Why is it not men who ride horses sidesaddle?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car into traffic.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help groups?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

There Are Nun So Blind



Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Quiz



Welcome to my personal quiz. There are ten questions only, and by the end, you will discover something amazing about yourself. No cheating by looking down until you have answered all the questions honestly.

When answering the questions below, award yourself zero points for A answers, and 2 points for B answers. If you cannot decide which one, that's 1 point.

1) The toilet seat

A) Up
B) Down



2) Who should hold the television remote?

A) Man
B) Woman


3) Which brand appeals?

A) GM
B) Hyundai


4) Who open a beer bottle or can better?

A) Men
B) Women


5) Best bar meal

A) Steak & Chips (fries)
B) Pasta


6) I want a...

A) Land Rover Discovery
B) Mazda MX5


7) I would prefer...

A) Watching the game with a few mates and some refreshments
B) Shopping, carrying a credit card with a nil balance


8) It's more important for a car to...

A) Handle well
B) Be a nice colour


9) I prefer

A) Power tools
B) Kitchen utensils


10) I would love to

A) Drive a supercar down a country road
B) Have a make over



Now for the result below....



If you scored

0-4: You'd make Tim The Tool Man Taylor Proud.

5-8: Your testosterone is fairly high

9-12: Al Borland territory

13-16: Definitely a feminine leaning

17-20 Your estrogen is in full flow


If you want to share your scores, please do reply in the comments box. I scored a four. Phew.

Messages From The Dog

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG!

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

Tricks involving balancing food on my nose... stop it!

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons... now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Wow, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

Dog sweaters. Hello ???... Haven't you noticed the fur?

We both know who's boss here!!! You Don't See Me Picking Up Your Poop Do You?

Sunday, October 1, 2017

The Irish Farmer & Bessie

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling? Now what would you say?"

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Blonde and Brunette Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister, 'Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,'It's just 99 cents a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left, meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, 'I want you to send her the word...'comfortable'.'

The telegraph operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's a blonde so the word's big. She'll read it slowly...out loud... ('com-for-da-bul').'

Kindness


Isn’t it nice when someone shows kindness to us in some way? It could be a thoughtful word, an offer of help, or even a caring smile as we pass. Kindness adds so much to other people, yet costs nothing to share.

I was helping an elderly lady in a supermarket the other day. She was very appreciative but then I sensed she got a little nervous as to why a stranger would want to help her. Time to back off and leave it at that I thought.

Still, being kind to others rewards both the giver and recipient. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world of kindness and trust? There is never a better time to start something good than now.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Adoption Hurdles


A couple who work at the traveling circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt. The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Christchurch Memorial - White Chairs

The chairs appeared on February 22, 2012, which was the first anniversary of the devastating Christchurch earthquake. Initially 185 white chairs were placed on the site of a demolished Church for just one week. 

People wanted them to stay around so they were moved to the site of another demolished church. they won't be able to stay here either but for now they are a major tourist attraction in the city. There is a poignancy about them. I took this photo in August 2017.

School Reunion Bragging


Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.


Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Signs With Irony

Like not trying to beat the tram 

Elementary spelling mistake

Not much help if you can't

Nothing like a real life example
to add dramatic effect

Some people don't really want to be fit

This is a sticky one

The Chopping Board - Yuck

We went to a motel in New Zealand and I think they gave us a room that hadn't been used for a while. How did we know? Well when we lifted out the chopping board it was covered in quite think mold. The picture doesn't do justice to it.

We took it across to the motelier who was very apologetic and gave us a nice quality, new replacement. it's one of those things as the rest of the motel room was clean and nicely presented.

Amazing Butterflies



Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Christchurch In Pictures : 2017

Central City

Cathedral

Sumner

New Brighton Pier Strengthening

Lyttleton Harbour

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Superb Design Equals Superb Designer

You cannot get superb design from random, unintelligent events. Look at the butterfly and admire its exquisite beauty. Its built in wisdom is incomprehensible. The life cycle, the inbuilt knowledge to fly, breed, feed and navigate are miraculous.

Now look at the flower. Again, what an amazing pattern. The seeds form this pattern to make maximum use of the space, allowing enough room for each seed to flourish yet with minimal space wastage. it took mathematicians to work it out. There are 34 clockwise and 21 counter-clockwise spirals. Of course a superb designer must have been behind it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

The Best Wine

What is the best wine? Is it based on the price you paid? When you buy a consumer product such as an appliance or item of apparel the phrase 'You get what you pay for' is so often true. Is that how it works for wine?

I spoke to a person in the wine industry and he said the price you pay is often dependent on the amount available. How much you like it may not be relevant to the cost, unless your brain convinces you it must be good at that price.

That was confirmed recently when we had some guests around for dinner. They brought a bottle of red wine which was not a cheap drop. I supplemented that with some of my own. I estimate what I had was about a third of the price of theirs, but I buy it because I really like it.

During the evening the guest wanted to see the label of my wine because they really liked it too. I sensed surprise when they recognised it as part of a relatively basic range. Their generosity was appreciated, but their wine was nothing special to the palate.

So when you find a nice wine, run with it. If it's not expensive all the better. It seems to me that while you usually get what you pay for, in the case of wine, it often isn't that way at all.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Our Importance

Self worth is realising you have value, self importance is wanting everyone else to know it.

It's impossible to learn when one thinks he already knows everything.

Once we believe we have graduated, learning grinds to a halt.

A smart person believes only half of what people say about him; a wise person knows which half to believe. 

Greatness is measured by service, not status.

You cannot empty yourself in behalf others if you are full of yourself.

Having authority is not necessarily the same as being an authority.

It's important to learn the difference between prominence and significance. Some of the most significant people have almost no prominence.

Having the right isn't necessarily the same as being right.

Impressing people is different from being truly impressive.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Observations

Our talents are enhanced by humility....
but limited by excessive pride.

When someone gossips negatively, remember the accused isn't there to defend themselves.

A spiteful friend is no friend at all.

Coordinators at times need to delegate, but it shouldn't be their default setting.

It's not that sex should come before love and commitment. Love and commitment should come before sex.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Gilbert (ouch)

You wouldn't want to be Gilbert, now would you?

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Feijoa


The feijoa is a shrub originating in Latin America that produces a fruit that has become very popular in New Zealand. They grow easily so most people obtain the oval shaped delight from private sources rather than shops. The fruit they produces is both sweet and aromatic.

We halve them, scoop out the flesh into a large bowl and add a spoon of honey. The bowl is then put in the fridge and the honey reacts, making it appear that they have been stewed. A potion is then taken each morning for breakfast.

In the picture, the one on the left is normal but the other on the right is the equivalent of a double-yoker egg. I have scooped out thousands of them but this is the first I recall ever seeing. For those who don't know the fruit, they may both seem normal, but it is an exception.

So if you toss about at night unable to sleep because you have pondered whether a feijoa fruit can be a double version, you can now rest easy. It's happens.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Local Sports Coaches - Part 2


When some local people took to coaching sports in our area, they had mixed results. I have given a rundown of how these enthusiastic amateurs fared as they tried to make their teams winners. The first part can be found by clicking here. Now for some more I have noted.

The local speedway driver thought he had what it took, but after initial success, over training caused the team to struggle and duly hit a wall.

The town's plumber had a similar problem and after they were initially flushed with success, as the season progressed the side looked increasingly drained.

The undertaker thought he could work wonders but from the outset, the performances were grave and their season was soon dead and buried.

A popular DJ was expected to fail. But rather than have to face the music, the team was soon rocking.

A market gardener tried his hand at unearthing local talent. He got the players confidence to grow and produced a fine crop of players.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Black Swans

In this lagoon area, we went canoeing a while back. There were no swans around. We recently decided to walk around it and there were about 60 or more swans. I'm not sure of the movements of swans as to where they all came from. I wonder how they would take a canoe going through their midst. Anyway, they seemed happy and after realising we were harmless, they seemed to ignore our presence.