Thursday, October 31, 2013

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Would You Marry Again Dear?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the wife looks over at him and says...

"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: (groan)

Friday, October 25, 2013

PC Reminders

Due to the climate of political correctness, the following expressions must be modified, lest we seem insensitive:

'Hillbillies' - You must now refer to them as 'Appalachian Americans'.

Those marrying out of their age group are not 'cradle snatchers' - they simply prefer 'generationally differential relationships'.

A person is not 'stupid'...they suffer from 'minimal cranial development'.

A person isn't 'dumb' - they are a 'detour off the information highway'.

How about being PC with regards to women?

She does not 'nag' you - she becomes 'verbally repetitive'.

She is not an 'airhead' - she is 'reality impaired'.

How about being PC with regards to men?

He is not 'quiet'...he is a 'conversational minimalist'.

He does not 'get lost all the time' - he 'investigates alternative destinations'.

He is not 'balding' - he has 'follicle regression'.

It's not his 'crack' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'trouser cleavage'.

(On the last one, I can't stand seeing it - disgusting).

The pic below is typical of the chauvinistic attitude still too common today. When will some people get PC?

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Human Technology? Bah!

Technology has given mankind a better quality of life, no question. But how good is it? Let's look at a few examples:

TV Signals: New Zealand has been switching to digital signals, meaning we have to buy decoder boxes to get programmes. The old analogue system worked fine but digital is a better signal. Just don't have any problems. Recently a channel just pulled itself from our area, and I lost all channels trying to fix it. Despite some knowledge of such things, I had to get help to get my TV back.

Cellphones, etc: I was reading about some of the metals that go into the likes of cellphones and most other appliances. It seems they contain products dangerous to the workers extracting them, and hard on the environment when disposed of. The cost to the planet means human technology has a finite future. Clever indeed.

Technical services: Google is a monster of a company, which is making record profits. Scary if they are the best, as you wonder about the competence of the rest. My Google Search engine, gmail and Blogger all worked OK...until recently. The services were enhanced so I am to get an 'improved' experience with Google.

Some Google searches such as to their product forum are impossible to execute now. Some of Google's YouTube videos wouldn't load (seems better now), some gmail actions are so slow I give up. Blogger only accepts text only - although that is starting to go bad too. This article is currently not saving, pictures above 10kb are near impossible to upload (no, really, kb isn't a typo). Pictures have now stopped completely. Operating in Blogger behind the scenes leads to having to exit and re-enter my browser get things happening. I don't know what to do. The upgrades it seems are to increase revenue, not user service. Is Google now too big to care?

Summary: So what does this say about human technology? As it gets more complicated, it gets more confusing for the layman. It is more likely to fail as it is often released in too much of a hurry to sort all the bugs. It is ruining the earth, but hey, another generation will have to deal with that... hopefully.

If technology's pace of change was slowed, that would be a good start. Keep it as simple as possible to improve reliability and customer understanding of it. Minimise the greed factor that causes this rush to 'improve' the customer experience (or in reality make more money). Compare our technical advances by what we see in nature, and humans look very clumsy. And greed always comes back to bite you eventually.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Women Are Connected To Men In Many Ways

Woman has Man in it
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

 Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENstrual cramps

Keep Healthy And Live Longer....Well Maybe Not

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy'.

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Long Term Friendship - The Downside

First, You Need A Haircut Son

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, then decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The Dad's replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Friday, October 18, 2013

Get Your Accents Right

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you idiot!"

Therefore, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Nicely Chosen Words

Life ends when you stop dreaming...

Hope ends when you stop believing...

Love ends when you stop caring...

Friendship ends when you stop sharing!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

A Cowboy At The Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done something of merit?" the cowboy was asked.

"Well I can think of one thing". he replied. "I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I suggested they leave her alone, but they refused to listen. So I approached the biggest, meanest of them and hit him as hard as I could. After that I kicked his bike over. I then said anyone else feeling lucky?"

St Peter was surprised and asked "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Friday, October 4, 2013

A Few Wise Sayings

Never change your originality for the sake of others.

You don't have to be great to get started, but you have to get started to become great.

One of the simplest ways to be happy is to let go of all the things that make you sad.

Giving up doesn't necessarily mean you are weak, but sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.