Thursday, December 30, 2010

Insightful Newspaper Headlines

Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men

Infertility Unlikely to be Passed On

Lack of Brains Hinders Research

Chef Finds New Game as Rat Exterminator

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Boy Who Drowned Couldn't Swim

Cemetery Faces Grave Problems Over Space

Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold as Pet Fish

Physicist Recommends Bigger Balls to Slow Down Male Tennis Players

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Plot to Kill Officer Had Vicious Side

Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank You For Coming



To all those who came to the site in 2010, thank you for your visit and please call any time you want. There will be plenty more of the same. Humour is personal, so is opinion. Again the emphasis will be on humour and I have plenty more jokes to come, believe me.

Be safe and be here for 2011.

RayCee

Friday, December 24, 2010

Corny Wisdom

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

You've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Wise Words

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

My Mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Relationships are hard, like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before he or she leaves you, he or she should have to find you a temp."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Thoughts For The Day...

Birds of a feather flock together...and poo on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What's In A Name?


I have noticed this year that there has been some publicity to the fact that Christmas is not Christian, but in reality a pagan festival with a Christian name. Many people defend this, saying as long as it celebrates Christ's birth, it's doesn't matter.

Well imagine you got rich suddenly and you decided to treat yourself to a Bentley car. You go to the showroom and there is a car with Bentley nameplates, but it looks suspiciously like your neighbour's Kia car. You ask the salesman why a Korean car has a Bentley logo on it and is sitting in his dealership. He admits the car originated from a Kia factory in Korea, but he assures you that now it has a Bentley name, it is a true Bentley. Would you swallow that?

Then why do people think that putting a Christian name on a festival from pagan times in Europe suddenly make it a true Christian festival? You wouldn't buy the Kia with a Bentley label, so why follow a pagan festival with Christ's name associated with it?

The bottom line: A label simply doesn't change what is underneath it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Element Found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Governmentium has a normal half-life of a few years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element, which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it, has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Snoring

The guys were all at Charlie's deer camp. No one wanted to room with Charlie, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy roomed with Charlie and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They asked the first guy what happened and he said 'Charlie snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was Frank's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They asked him the same thing and he said, 'Man, that Charlie shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Billy's turn. Billy was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went in and tucked Charlie into bed, patted him on the butt, then kissed him good night. Charlie sat up and watched me all night.'

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Philosophy

A philosophy professor gave a one question final exam. The professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gained an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Letter From School

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

Terrorist Alert Levels

The French government recently announced a rise in its terror alert from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

The Swiss have increased their alert level from “We’re neutral” to “Turn Jews away at the border”. The only options left would be to offer to “Store terrorist gold” and “To make weapons for them” (at a healthy profit, of course).


The British are also feeling the pinch due to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". Londoners have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "B.. Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "B.. Nuisance" warning was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are You A Bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her, 'What are you?' She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F .E , you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H.' What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'

Group Therapy For Mums



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy"

He turned to the second mother, Ann "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny"

He turned to the third mother, Kathy "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy"



At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...."Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home"