Friday, December 24, 2010

Wise Words

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

My Mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Relationships are hard, like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before he or she leaves you, he or she should have to find you a temp."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What's In A Name?

I have noticed this year that there has been some publicity to the fact that Christmas is not Christian, but in reality a pagan festival with a Christian name. Many people defend this, saying as long as it celebrates Christ's birth, it's doesn't matter.

Well imagine you got rich suddenly and you decided to treat yourself to a Bentley car. You go to the showroom and there is a car with Bentley nameplates, but it looks suspiciously like your neighbour's Kia car. You ask the salesman why a Korean car has a Bentley logo on it and is sitting in his dealership. He admits the car originated from a Kia factory in Korea, but he assures you that now it has a Bentley name, it is a true Bentley. Would you swallow that?

Then why do people think that putting a Christian name on a festival from pagan times in Europe suddenly make it a true Christian festival? You wouldn't buy the Kia with a Bentley label, so why follow a pagan festival with Christ's name associated with it?

The bottom line: A label simply doesn't change what is underneath it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Element Found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Governmentium has a normal half-life of a few years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element, which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it, has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


A philosophy professor gave a one question final exam. The professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gained an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Terrorist Alert Levels

The French government recently announced a rise in its terror alert from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

The Swiss have increased their alert level from “We’re neutral” to “Turn Jews away at the border”. The only options left would be to offer to “Store terrorist gold” and “To make weapons for them” (at a healthy profit, of course).

The British are also feeling the pinch due to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". Londoners have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "B.. Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "B.. Nuisance" warning was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are You A Bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her, 'What are you?' She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F .E , you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H.' What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'