If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children". When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
My Mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Relationships are hard, like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before he or she leaves you, he or she should have to find you a temp."
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner.
Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
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