Thursday, January 31, 2013

So True...

Wood burns faster when you have to chop it yourself.

Kill one person and you are a murderer. Kill a million and you are a conquerer.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Going to a party dressed to kill does not mean looking like a fanatical Muslim.

If you employ a cleaner from Eastern Europe, make sure she isn't a Slovak.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Advertising Campaign Pics

Colgate have created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss, but before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you appreciate them quietly..

Now that you had time to quietly observe the images, in the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man has only one ear...The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food remains on your teeth draw more attention than any physical defect.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Old Lady Driver

A man was working in his yard when a car crashed though his hedge and ended up on his front lawn. The man helped the lady onto a chair.

"You seem quite elderly to be driving." he suggested.

Yes, I am 97 years old" she replied proudly. "In fact I am old enough not to need a driver's license any more".

"How is that so?" asked the man.

"Well the last time I went to the doctor he asked if I had a driver's license. I said yes and handed it to him. He took a pair of scissors out of the draw and cut it up, saying 'You won't be needing that any more'. So I thanked him and left".

Monday, January 7, 2013

Animal Kingdom Message: Embrace Life

We can learn much from the animal kingdom, as you can see below:

Sometimes you have just got to be daring...

..go out on a limb and take some risk...

...but make sure safety is considered too...

...enjoy the fruits of your hard work...

...and when opportunity is in front of you, take the plunge.

For more in the series, just click on the title below:

Bizarre Cookies For Grown Ups

Remember, these are not for the children, but strictly for adults.

You have got to wonder why you would though, don't you?

Animal Kingdom Message: Value True Friends

We can learn much from the animal kingdom, as you can see below:

It's important to make friendships...

...perhaps have them around for a snack...

...or for something more elaborate...

...throw a fancy dress party...

...have a sleep over for the kid's friends...

...but beware of the friend who makes a nuisance of himself...

...and you don't want to be too popular either.

For more in the series, just click on the title below:

How To Stack Fire Wood

Amazing the trouble it took to do them...

...but I don't think I would want to touch the pile and ruin the artwork...

....I guess if you are cold, you will though...

...obviously not scared of heights, but imagine climbing that...

...this should keep the home fires burning....

....and so should these piles. The marvel of wood.

Animal Kingdom Message: Family Are Important

We can learn much from the animal kingdom, as you can see below:

It's important to eat together... make time to bond and show affection...

...parental guidance is vital.... are family excursions...

...but the parents must spend time together too.

For more in the series, just click on the title below:

Old Folks Texting Abbreviations

 ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the SeniorCenter

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

PBL- Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OSG - Oh! Sorry, Gas

TOT - Texting on Toilet

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Grandparents Answering Machine

Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.... beeeeeppp.

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, 
press 2.

If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal or to have it delivered to your home, 
press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, press 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,start talking we are listening. 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A Few Jokes

I took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me I can have sex at 79. I live at 71 so it very handy.

Answering machine message: I am not available right now. I am busy making changes in my life. If you do not hear back, you were one of them.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't use mine.

The first part of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

I'm having both amnesia and deja vu. I think I have forgotten this before.

A drunk is brought into court. The judge bangs his gravel and calls "Order, order". The drunk responds "I'll have a Gin and Tonic thanks".

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Cardiologist Funeral

A prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral. A Huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing him inside. Then one of the mourners burst out laughing and everyone turning toward him in surprise.

After gaining his composure, he defended his action, saying "I'm sorry but I was thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a gynecologist".