Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Web Addresses - Amazing


All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

"Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com

Don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

The designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com

Crazy Labels


On dessert packaging (printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down"

On peanuts "Warning: contains nuts."

On child cough medicine "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"

On pudding label "Product will be hot after heating"

On a hairdryer "Do not use while sleeping"

On a bag of Fritos "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"

On a frozen dinner "Serving suggestion: Defrost"

On packaging for an electric iron "Do not iron clothes on body"

On a Sleep Aid "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

On Christmas lights "For indoor or outdoor use only"

On a Japanese food processor "Not to be used for the other use"

On a packet of nuts "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"

On an assorted chocolate box "Contains nuts and/or other nuts"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Zen Teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just push off and leave me alone.

No one is listening....until you pass wind.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, other days you are the tree.

Good judgment comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our rear end - then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a prod on the accelerator.

FIFA World Cup Update



After Nigeria was eliminated from the FIFA World Cup, a top player personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa to watch them play. He said he just needed their bank account number and PIN to complete the transactions. A very generous offer, but I personally would not do it.




A new trend as a consequence of the World Cup has members of the Swiss Alpine Association seeing red. The Alpine horn, known the world over and an intrinsic part of the nations culture - along with yodelling and Cuckoo Clocks - is being supplanted by something quite different. You guessed it, the returning fans from the world cup are now stretching their lungs and filling the alpine air with the dulcet tones of the vuvuzela.

One local complained when played in unison, they sound like a swarm of angry bees. Another said it belongs on the veldt but not here in our valleys. The Alpine Association has asked the government to ban these hideous horns from the country altogether. (Pictured below a young Swiss lass practicing for her next mountaineering excursion).

Monday, August 16, 2010

Black Or White, Or Pink , Or Red...

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored folks ???

J. Paul Getty Quotes

Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.

Getting results through people is a skill that cannot be learned in the classroom.

I buy when other people are selling.

I hate to be a failure. I hate and regret the failure of my marriages. I would gladly give all my millions for just one lasting marital success.


In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy.

You must never try to make all the money that's in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too. If you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won't have many deals.

No one can achieve any real and lasting success or "get rich" in business by being a conformist.

The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.

The man who comes up with a means for doing or producing almost anything better, faster or more economically has his future and his fortune at his fingertips.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

School Reunion Bragging


Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft house in North London , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.


Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband is a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King's College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha admits that the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.