Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So True



'Be kind because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

A sharp tongue can cut.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

Just By Rearranging The Letters

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:  MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Barbecue Rules


When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

Important :
(7) THE MAN TURNS THE MEAT OVER.

More routine...
(8) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another soda/beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(9) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(10) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(11) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(12) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(13) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Answers Given At Exams - Part 1

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes the water safe because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun makes the leaves perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the Tides?

A: The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water there, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.


Q: Name the reef off the coast of Queensland?

A: New Zealand.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: That you are well endowed.

Q: How important are elections.

A: Very important. Sex can only happen if there is an election.

Q: What are steroids.

A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

Answers Given At Exams - Part 2

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: Your bowels become intercontinental.

Q: What happens when a boy reaches puberty?

A: He leaves boyhood and looks forward to adultery.


Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: How do you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. (He got an A).

Q: How are the main body parts categorised? E.g. Abdomen.

A: The body consists of three parts - the brainium which contains the brain, the borax for the heart and lungs and the abdomen containing the five bowels, a,e,I,o,u.

Q: What is the Fubula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicous” mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control.

A: A condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of “Caesarean section”?

A: It is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman Emperor.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

War

There are three basic reasons why man goes to war that I can think of.

The problem:
1) The first one most people think of is religion and certainly many wars have been fought for that reason. This is because of trying to impose beliefs on others by force, or an intolerance of others who think differently to us.
2) A second reason is nationalism or tribal pride. This is based the assumption that the people you are with are better than others and killing them proves that.
3) The third reason I think of is greed. It may be to take a resource the other nation has. Or it could be arms makers working behind the scenes to create or encourage fighting, then cashing in. Desire for more land or subjects, precious goods and even slaves have motivated warfare.

A solution:

1) There is a big difference between trying to persuade another to believe in what you do religiously, as opposed to forcing them. People have a right to speak about their faith in most countries and this is freedom of speech. However, once you feel another doesn't have the right to believe differently to you, then you have a problem.
2) Nationalism, tribalism or anything that makes us feel better than another is irrational. We are all equal in God's eyes, so why can't we feel the same way. It's one thing to pay lip service to the idea that all men are created equal, but not so easy to feel it in our hearts.
3) Greed is selfish and ultimately hurts others and ourselves. This world today is overcome with this insidious problem. War is lucrative and the winner can gain much in various ways. Having the five permanent members of the UN Security Council making about 90% of the world's weapons is like asking the Mafia to supervise the stamping out of extortion rackets.

War is evil and the untold suffering it has inflicted cannot be over stated. It will take a massive swing in the way humans think and behave to bring a halt to war. At the end of the day, we can only change ourselves. We can do that by respecting others right to their beliefs. View all others as our equal and care for even strangers. Being contented with what we have, as greed can only dehumanises us. Once we can feel like that and when government changes likewise, only then the world can look forward to peace.

More Thoughts

Going to church doesn't make you a Christain any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

If you look like your passport picture, you really do need the holiday.

Bills travel through the mail service twice as fast as checks.

Junk is something you keep for years and never use but throw it away and and you will need it soon after.

Experience teaches you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

One who thinks logically makes a nice contrast to what real happens in reality.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Worth Thinking About

I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

A sign on a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person to annoy you for the rest of your life.




No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.




How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where its been!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The City Boy

A city boy, Andy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

(city boy) "Well, then, just give me my money back."

(farmer) "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

(city boy) "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

(farmer) "What ya gonna do with him?"

(city boy) "I'm going to raffle him off."

(farmer) "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

(city boy) "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

(city boy) "I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at $2 each, I made a profit of $898."

(farmer) "Didn't anyone complain?"

(city boy) "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2

Prison Vs. Work


IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK they are called managers. So . . . why is it that we work?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Would You Have Noticed?

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about an hour. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes, a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried on.

4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

Nag Nag Nag


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on....

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR GOODNESS SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

Random Thoughts

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.