I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Friday, February 12, 2016
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
A truck load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
|Nothing to see, please move on|
|The word stupid doesn't do justice to these idiots|
|No one should bounce over but there's always that risk|
|So much potential for some sort of harm|
|High risk of failure and injury|
|Bored people being foolish|
Monday, February 8, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
It's no doubt turned off but a bad habit to get into
|This may end up the last thing on his bucket list|
Water and electrics don't mix
|I guess the observer can call the ambulance if needed.|
The whole situation is not a palatable idea
|No wonder ladders are involved in so many accidents|
|I cannot believe this|
Friday, February 5, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly.
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there is Football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play Football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."