Random Jokes

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.