Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Unbelievable Song Lyrics

Sometimes the people who write song lyrics make you wonder. They write things that are unbelievable or downright silly. Here are a few examples I can think of.

Unbelievable: Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong and I just can't live without you.

This is a song sung by men so I presume it is sung to a woman. Well ladies, if you get a man to admit this, get it in writing....and signed.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

Imagine ever saying this to a woman, perhaps requesting this at say a wedding breakfast. I think you could end up wearing whatever she's holding, or can grab, at that moment. Maybe the wedding cake.

Silly: You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you, Don't you? Don't you?

Actually the singer is singing about him. It may not be vanity, just he knows the lady only too well.

I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

I don't know what The Beatles were on when they wrote it, but silly it is.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Real Answer Phone Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

Hi. Now YOU say something.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't answer right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Hearing Test

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and at 40 feet away he asks in a normal tone 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So the husband moves about 30 feet from his wife "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves 10 feet closer but again no response. So he walks to about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So he Walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

His wife replied: "Frank, for the FIFTH time, It's CHICKEN!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Clever Word Alteration

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some of the winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax-refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider-web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and can't be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Workout Suggestions

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Hit the nail on the head

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store then opened also.
Floor 1 - Has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - Has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The remaining floors have never been visited.

It just goes to show that men are easier to please...

Ordering A Drink In Australia

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia?

I might change that drink to a nice cold beer mate if that's alright.

No worries mate.