Monday, May 31, 2010

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when a little tipsy... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos, midnight!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem annoyed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock'. When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s#%^.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed wind.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cockney Rhyming Slang

The term Cockney refers to working class Londoners, particularly those in the East End. Linguistically, it refers to the form of English spoken by this group. Cockneys have devised a slang that is clever but you obviously have to know it to understand what is meant. Below are some examples of the slang, and the meaning follows:

Adam and Eve / Believe
Artful Dodger / Lodger
Ball and Chain / Strain
Butcher's Hook / Look
Cream Crackered / Knackered (tired/broken)
Dog and Bone / Phone
Jam Jar / Car
Jimmy Riddle / Piddle (urinate)
Mother Hubbard / Cupboard
Nanny Goat / Coat
Pork Pies or Porkie Pies / Lies
Rosie Lee / Tea
Sweeney Todd / Flying Squad or Police
Trouble and Strife / Wife

So if the car breaks down then 'Me Jam Jar's Cream Crackered'.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Quattro


Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks zee German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence! "

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".

Monday, May 17, 2010

Life Lessons


A NZ personality came from a poor childhood and recently expresses his life lessons. Here they are:

- Get over making excuses for your lot in life and 'clear the decks'.
- Ignore your own negativity and that of the 'wasters around you'. Realise the line of least Resistance is to do nothing.
- Open your eyes to the limitless opportunities around you and the fact that they are available to anyone who is prepared to get up, cross the road and do it.
- Plan a journey to your future, but enjoy the challenges and successes along the way toward reaching your goals.
- Don't let setbacks convince you that you were wrong to try - successful people are measured by how they handle failure.
- Don't be a talker, do it.

Of course, many in poor, corrupt countries (of which the world has too many) these lessons may be of only some use. But for those who live in western affluent countries and have an uphill road for whatever reason, these 'Life Lessons' are most useful.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Humour In The Sky


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. The fighter pilot replied, "Ah, the dreaded 7-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... and I didn't land."

The pilot pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator pulled out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" The navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Useful Military warnings

"Aim towards the enemy."

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

"Tracers work both ways."

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Exercise Regime For Those Who Struggle To Do Any


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface. Make sure you have plenty of room at each side. With a 10 lb (5 kg) potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 25 lb (10-kg) potato sacks then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 60 lb (25 kg) potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, try putting a potato in each sack.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Drunk Needed A Push


A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The husband reluctantly gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about six months ago when we broke down and were stranded, and those two guys helped us get home? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, puts on his hat and raincoat and goes out into the pounding wind and rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there mate?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk