Friday, July 31, 2009

The Police Force


If someone broke into my house through say a window, and someone seeing this called the police, I would be grateful for their concern. Then if the officer(s) came swiftly to my house, that too would be praiseworthy.

Of course, if I had forced myself in due to not having my key, it would look suspicious. When the police officer arrived, I would gladly cooperate with him, realising my behaviour was indeed questionable. I would clearly identify myself with personal ID. I would be happy that people cared enough about my possessions and my home to do something.

Imagine life without good neighbours and a police force to protect us. They aren't perfect, just as the public they serve aren't. However, society has to have a constabulary to protect the majority from those that want to hurt others in one way or another. If only everyone appreciated the work they do. I would hate their job but someone has to do it and I sincerely feel indebted for their efforts. No doubt you do too.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Music


I love music, whether it be based around the human voice or instruments. As a youth, I bought more instrumental music than vocal. It's a pity that music based on instruments isn't more popular today. Some songs incorporate an instrumental part within which I like. Music with voice doesn't work as well if you are chatting with friends. Instruments blend in well in a social setting, provided it isn't too heavy.


I got to thinking about great albums as Michael Jackson's recent death had many waxing lyrically about how good he was. I personally viewed him as an entertainer first and a singer second. I didn't care much for his music and thought him massively overrated. Of course, we all have our opinions as taste is individual.

Looking at the "The RS 500 Greatest Albums of All Time", three of the top five were Beatles efforts which is understandable, considering the talent the 'Fab Four' had. But overall, such lists are irrelevant. Every country would have a different list.

A couple of albums I enjoyed owning were 1) Rumours (Fleetwood Mac), 25th on the above list and 11th best seller of all time with 40m sales. 2) Bee Gees and Main Course. I don't know how many it sold but that doesn't matter as I enjoyed it. Few albums are full of good songs but above two were.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Psychiatric Hotline

RING . . . RING . . . CLICK. . . Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully; a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Thanks for calling."

Spell Check Not Required


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit any pormbels. Tihs is bcuseas we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

As I've Matured (a ladies view):


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.


I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just won't go away.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Child's Honesty

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. I'll have to think about it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought a new car!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Employee Performance Evaluations


Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:

"Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitue..."

"Ye what!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family,"

"Ok, Dad ---as ye wish, I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certifiate for $5 million. For me little Brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again. "Sniff, sniff...a prostitue Dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug..."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Golf Joke


Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his luxury car into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is. As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. 'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees,' replies Tiger.

'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger.

Exclaims the Irish attendant. 'Those luxury car makers think of everything'.

Recipe For Friendship


Take 2 heaped cups of patience,
1 handful of love,
2 handfuls of generosity,
A dash of laughter,
1 headful of understanding.

Sprinkle generously with kindness and plenty of faith.

Mix well.

Spread over a period of a lifetime and serve everybody you meet.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Smile And The World Smiles With You


Smiling is good for you, as well as for those that meet you. Smiling makes us attractive, as we are attracted to people who smile. Have you walked past a smiling person and found your eyes following them? A genuine smile is the most fetching thing you can wear. Smiling makes us feel better. As long as our sadness isn't too serious, it should change our mood to one more positive. Smiling is as contagious as the 'flu. Smile and the world smiles with you. It also draws people to us too.


When I'm stressed, it shows up on my face, adding years to my age. Smiling makes us look younger, healthier and happier.
Our immune system and general well being benefit from the positive feelings a smile gives us. Smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. These make us feel good. They say love is a drug, but smiling is too.




Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and make us more approachable. Of course the smile must come across as real. A faked one doesn't have a good effect, perhaps worse than a straight face for being off-putting. So cultivate warm, caring feelings within.


Remember too, the adage: No one needs a smile more than someone who has none left to give. So the next time you are around people, take a deep breath, smile and think positively. It's good for you and those lucky enough to meet you and your lovely smile.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Lift (elevator)


An Amish boy and his father left their primitive, reclusive community and visited a shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen a lift before) responded, 'I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady with a walking stick approached the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked slowly between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....'Go get your mother.'

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Irish Farmer

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling? Now what would you say?"

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Believe it or not…

1. When his revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold up in California, robber James Elliot peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

3. The chef at a Swiss hotel lost his finger in a meat cutting machine and duly submitted a claim with his insurance company. Suspecting negligence, the company sent an assessor to check the claim. He tried the machine out and lost his finger too. The claim was approved.

4. Mourners at a funeral in Romania were taken aback when she abruptly leaped from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

6. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

7. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E.Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

8. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.



9.With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote, "The Hokey Tokey", died peacefully in his sleep, aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

How Much Is That Barbie In The Window?


A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realised his daughters birthday was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."

Friday, July 3, 2009

My mother taught me….


My mother taught me….

1. ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

2. RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. TO MEET A CHALLENGE. What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!

4. LOGIC. If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

5. MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. HUMOUR. When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

7. GENETICS..."You're just like your father."

8. MY ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

9. WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

10. JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"