Schoolboy Howlers

Phone answering machine - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 

The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." 

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? 

"No, because he's really heavy"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.