Wise Words

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

My Mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

Relationships are hard, like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before he or she leaves you, he or she should have to find you a temp."

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner.

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

What's In A Name?

I have noticed this year that there has been some publicity to the fact that Christmas is not Christian, but in reality a pagan festival with a Christian name. Many people defend this, saying as long as it celebrates Christ's birth, it's doesn't matter.

Well imagine you got rich suddenly and you decided to treat yourself to a Bentley car. You go to the showroom and there is a car with Bentley nameplates, but it looks suspiciously like your neighbour's Kia car. You ask the salesman why a Korean car has a Bentley logo on it and is sitting in his dealership. He admits the car originated from a Kia factory in Korea, but he assures you that now it has a Bentley name, it is a true Bentley. Would you swallow that?

Then why do people think that putting a Christian name on a festival from pagan times in Europe suddenly make it a true Christian festival? You wouldn't buy the Kia with a Bentley label, so why follow a pagan festival with Christ's name associated with it?

The bottom line: A label simply doesn't change what is underneath it.

New Element Found

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. Governmentium has a normal half-life of a few years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element, which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it, has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Philosophy

A philosophy professor gave a one question final exam. The professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gained an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Terrorist Alert Levels

The French government recently announced a rise in its terror alert from “Run” to “Hide”. The normal level is “General Arrogance”, the only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain, “Ineffective combat operations” and “Change sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdain” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”. They have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

The Swiss have increased their alert level from “We’re neutral” to “Turn Jews away at the border”. The only options left would be to offer to “Store terrorist gold” and “To make weapons for them” (at a healthy profit, of course).


The British are also feeling the pinch due to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". Londoners have not been "A bit cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "B.. Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "B.. Nuisance" warning was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Are You A Bitch?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'

The second guy says 'I'm a D.I.N.K., you know...Double Income, No Kids.'

The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich, Urban, Biker.'

They turn to the woman and ask her, 'What are you?' She replies: 'I'm a W.I.F.E , you know...Wash, Iron, Fetch, Etc.'

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it, 'B.I.T.C.H.' What exactly is a BITCH?!? They ask in unison. 'Babe In Total Control of Herself.'

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Sarcastic Traffic Officer Responses

The following were allegedly taken off of actual police car videos around the USA.

Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile.

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.

So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.

You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. .. Sign here.

If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

My Welsh Codd Bottle

I have an old bottle sitting on my desk. It's a Cood bottle from North Wales, an area where my father hails from. I obtained it during a trip there some years ago. I decided to find out about it if I could and wrote to a very friendly and helpful man, Keith in Canarvon. He's connected to Segontium Searchers who provide a 'Genealogy & Local History Research Service'.

Anyway, he said of it: This is a lovely bottle with the Welsh Leek trade mark. Codd bottles are normally very common in the UK and worth very little, but this is one that isn't seen very often. Yours appears to be in very good condition...Peter Evans was born in Ruthin in 1863/64, the son of William Evans, an engraver. By the time he was 17 years old he was working in one of the established mineral water firms in the town (R. Ellis & Son or Cambrian). He was in business for himself by 1881 and was still trading in 1911. I do not have a date when he ceased trading. The bottle would probably date to the 1890's or early 1900's.

So it sits on my desk, a bottle that through its content of mineral water, slaked the thirst of an unknown person perhaps a century ago. Little did they know it would find its way around the world to be an ornament that reminds me of a trip I took to the old country.

Freedom

Miners used to take Canary birds down into mines as they were very sensitive to methane and carbon monoxide, which made them ideal for detecting any dangerous gas build-ups. As long as the canary in a coal mine kept singing, the miners knew their air supply was safe. A dead canary in a coal mine signalled an immediate evacuation.


Imagine you were a miner who found the whistling irritating. When it stopped whistling and fell off its perch, would you say "Peace at last"? No, you would realise things were getting dangerous.

Freedom is like that. There may be a group in society that you don't exactly like and if you heard they had been proscribed by authorities, think 'good job'. The point is if that group wasn't doing anything wrong but had fallen out of favour with the authorities for some reason, alarm bells should ring. Be sure that other restrictions of freedom will follow, perhaps some you are not happy about.

So when freedoms are too easily brushed aside for some in your community, see it as the canary falling off its perch. Things could be getting dangerous.

An Overly Complicated World

A friend of mine who isn't into things technical bought a cell phone. He complained to me that all he wanted was a phone but got so many other features that it had him so frustrated. Why can't you just get a phone if that is what you want?

I'm more into technical things than he is but I know exactly how he feels. I bought a nice but not expensive watch a year or so ago. I use a watch to tell me the time and the date, that's all. Every six months, we have to change the clocks with daylight saving and I cannot work out how to do it without the instruction book. If I accidentally bump one of the prominent buttons on it, it changes something which I cannot work out, without - yes you guessed it - getting the manual.

Now that isn't the only thing. This watch seems to have 2,187 features, only two of which I want. The other 2,185 of them that I don't want turn a one page fact sheet into a veritable tome. I'm sure if I dug deep enough, I could find features that would tell me my heart rate, my blood pressure and stress levels...things will I need as I strive to change the time.

Is a watch made today that tells the time and date only? Is there a cell phone that is simply a phone and not a camera, media centre and goodness knows what else? There are people like me who buy things to do the job they started out doing in the first place. The clue is in their names such as watch and telephone. I refuse Google Chrome as Google 'Normal' is just fine. I refuse to install additional toolbars as the computer came with one and it works.

When a manufacturer realises there are ordinary folk who want ordinary tools - and so offer a basic model in the range - will make a killing.

The Poker Game

Six retired Irishmen are playin’ poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Out of respect, the other five continue the game standin’ up.

At the end of the evenin’, Michael O’Connor looks around the room and says, “OK, me boys, one of us has to go ‘round and tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw cards for the honor and Paul Gallagher draws the low card. “Now whatever ye do, be discreet,” the others tell him. “Let’s not be makin’ the situation any worse.”

“Don’t ye worry about a thing,” says Gallagher. “I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever be meetin’! ‘Tis me middle name!”

So Gallagher goes off to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and says, “Paul Gallagher – what is it yer wantin’ at this hour of the night?”

Gallagher replies, “Yer husband Paddy just lost $500 playin’ poker, and he’s afraid to come home!”

“$500?!” Paddy’s wife exclaims, “Tell him he can drop dead!”

Says Gallagher: “I’ll tell him!”

Learn From Older Folks

Older folks had much that we have lost...for the worse I hasten to add, such as:

They liked melody in music,
Took pride in their appearance,
Kept romance in love,
Made a commitment to marriage,
Accepted responsibility for their parenting,
Valued togetherness in the family,
Instilled learning in education,
Treated others with civility,
Spoke with refinement and respect,
Worked hard in their employment,
Showed prudence when spending.

As individuals, we can still apply these attitudes and instill in our offspring. Of course, not all older folk lived up to these things and some unsavoury things were prevalent. However, overall these qualities were given more emphasis.

Training Courses For Women

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
14. Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
15. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
16. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
17. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
18. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
19. Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both
20. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Typical Female Brain:

Typical Male Brain:

The Lost Hot Air Ballonist

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended and shouted, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I’m lost.”

She replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground. You are about 40 degrees north and about 60 degrees west.”

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Seaplane Landing In Picton, New Zealand.

I was in Picton, Marlborough, NZ, when this seaplane was about to land at the harbour. I quickly got my camera ready and got this footage. You don't see many of them these days.

The New Junior Employee

The boss invited a new junior employee to come into his office. "What is your name?" he asked.

"Alistair," the new guy replied.

The boss scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Alistair Darling."

The boss said, "Okay, Alistair, the next thing I want to tell you is…"

Schoolboy Howlers

Phone answering machine - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 

The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." 

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? 

"No, because he's really heavy"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Unbelievable Song Lyrics

Sometimes the people who write song lyrics make you wonder. They write things that are unbelievable or downright silly. Here are a few examples I can think of.



Unbelievable: Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong and I just can't live without you.

This is a song sung by men so I presume it is sung to a woman. Well ladies, if you get a man to admit this, get it in writing....and signed.



You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

Imagine ever saying this to a woman, perhaps requesting this at say a wedding breakfast. I think you could end up wearing whatever she's holding, or can grab, at that moment. Maybe the wedding cake.


Silly: You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you, Don't you? Don't you?

Actually the singer is singing about him. It may not be vanity, just he knows the lady only too well.


I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.

I don't know what The Beatles were on when they wrote it, but silly it is.

Real Answer Phone Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

Hi. Now YOU say something.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't answer right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Hearing Test

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and at 40 feet away he asks in a normal tone 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So the husband moves about 30 feet from his wife "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves 10 feet closer but again no response. So he walks to about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response. So he Walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

His wife replied: "Frank, for the FIFTH time, It's CHICKEN!"

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Clever Word Alteration

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some of the winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax-refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider-web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and can't be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Workout Suggestions

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

Hit the nail on the head

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store then opened also.
Floor 1 - Has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 - Has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The remaining floors have never been visited.

It just goes to show that men are easier to please...

Ordering A Drink In Australia

What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia?



I might change that drink to a nice cold beer mate if that's alright.

No worries mate.

Web Addresses - Amazing

When companies first got websites, they didn't think things through. All of these were legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

"Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at www.powergenitalia.com

Don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

The designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site www.speedofart.com

FIFA World Cup 2010

After Nigeria was eliminated from the FIFA World Cup, a top player personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa to watch them play. He said he just needed their bank account number and PIN to complete the transactions. A very generous offer, but I personally would not do it.




A new trend as a consequence of the World Cup has members of the Swiss Alpine Association seeing red. The Alpine horn, known the world over and an intrinsic part of the nations culture - along with yodelling and Cuckoo Clocks - is being supplanted by something quite different. You guessed it, the returning fans from the world cup are now stretching their lungs and filling the alpine air with the dulcet tones of the vuvuzela.

One local complained when played in unison, they sound like a swarm of angry bees. Another said it belongs on the veldt but not here in our valleys. The Alpine Association has asked the government to ban these hideous horns from the country altogether. (Pictured below a young Swiss lass practicing for her next mountaineering excursion).

Black Or White, Or Pink , Or Red...

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored folks ???

J. Paul Getty Quotes

Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.

Getting results through people is a skill that cannot be learned in the classroom.

I buy when other people are selling.

I hate to be a failure. I hate and regret the failure of my marriages. I would gladly give all my millions for just one lasting marital success.


In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy.

You must never try to make all the money that's in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too. If you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won't have many deals.

No one can achieve any real and lasting success or "get rich" in business by being a conformist.

The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.

The man who comes up with a means for doing or producing almost anything better, faster or more economically has his future and his fortune at his fingertips.

Shame

One thing people hate is to feel shame. In days gone by, people were put in stocks, perhaps having tomatoes thrown at them and laughed at. In schools, to shame an errant pupil, they may have been forced to wear donkey ears or wear a dunce cap to indicate stupidity. Likewise, having to stand, kneel or bend over in a corner.

Today, some judges in the US have had people carrying a sign in front of the local courthouse that reads: “I stole from a local store.” Apparently, it has a high success rate in reducing repeat offending. Community shame is a strong deterrent for engaging in what is deemed unacceptable. However, shame is now rarely used in this way.

Also, what now constitutes shameful has changed. When I was a boy, a fair fight involved one on one, never kicking someone on the ground, and if one combatant had had enough, so be it. A woman being a virgin was once something of high value on her wedding night, today many men would see her as naive and her innocence undesirable. Living together without being married was also not acceptable. Some of the photos and video clips that end up on the Internet would indicate that what was embarrassing not so many years ago is something to be proud of.

In deciding how to live, while the community can be an influence for good, it's declining standards are not always right. If you follow the Bible for instance, its values are steady. They are the same as they were when written and they are still the best way to live. An honest evaluation of its precepts will keep us on the narrow path. (Please read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 to see how bad the world has got).

The fact is, many of today's standards are shameful. Just because our peers and/or society view them with favour doesn't make it fine. As our civilisation sinks lower with each passing year, we would do well to note that this is a sign of its decline, not of enlightenment or true freedom.

When I'm 100, Let Me Lean A Little

The family wheeled Grandma, in her wheelchair, out onto the lawn where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew ....... 'I want to pass some wind.'

A View Over A NZ Town

I took this video overlooking the town.

Pithy Sayings

A few sayings I think are worth sharing.

1) Those who drink at the well should remember those who first dug it.

We benefit today from those who worked hard in generations before us. We should appreciate their efforts, which we now benefit from.

Taking it a step further, we are here due to our creator's wonderful handiwork. How often do we reflect on that? Evolutionist Richard Dawkins may not bother, but that is his problem. I prefer to thank my maker for his infinite wisdom.

2) If you want people to notice your faults, start giving advice.

After advice, people may say 'How dare they say that! Why they do this and they do that'.

They are starting to notice your faults to justify themselves and do nothing about your helpful suggestion. Best to keep it to yourself, unless asked. Even then, tread warily.

3) When things go wrong, some look at what they could have done better, while others just blame those around them.

When things go awry, there is always something we can learn. Rather than put the blame elsewhere - as many do - look inward for a solution. After all, we cannot control others behaviour, but we usually can do something about ourselves, and do better next time.


4) People will forget what you said, also what you did, but they never forget how you made them feel.

Our motive shouldn't just be popularity, as you cannot please all the people all of the time. However, we should care about the feelings of others. Then when they reflect on our words or actions, they will remember fondly how we made them feel.

Kaikoura - South Bay

We went to South Bay, on Kaikoura's peninsula. Kaikoura is about 1 1/2 hours drive north of Christchurch on NZ's South Island, on the east coast. There we walked in sunny and quite warm winter conditions. The green fields were contrasted by the rugged, snow capped mountains just inland. I hope you enjoy the photos as much as we did being there.


Pic above looking south across South Bay (of course). The next two looking west from the Kaikoura Peninsula.

Forces Humour

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, 'What time is it?'
The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'
The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it make?'
The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of difference. If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. 'Yours is.'

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'

Good Expressions For The Stressed And Irritated

1. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

2. "You say I'm a bitch, like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"

4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well aren't we a ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a people's person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"

12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap."

13. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

14. "Earth is full. Go home."

15. "And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be.....?"

16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a bad mood for 30 years."

17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

20. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

21. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

22 "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

23. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

24. "Nice perfume but must you marinate in it."

Some Of Life's Mysteries Solved

A massive, 12-year research project by Indian academics has answered some of life's lingering imponderables. Staff in the Socio-Linguistic Department of Trivandrum University, Kerala, India, began their research in 1992, linking up with hundreds of further education institutions across the world. A total of 1,200,000 people, of all ages and backgrounds, took part in the study, providing statistically average answers to the English- speaking world's "rhetorical questions". The main findings are:

How long is a piece of string? Nine inches
The height of stupidity? Six feet, two inches
The depth of despair? Six feet two inches?
How low can you sink? 302 fathoms (1,812 feet)
How deep is your love? Four feet, seven inches
How far will you go? 327 yards, two feet, 11 inches
What time do you call this? Just after six

While the academics acknowledge that the answers will have degrees of variance among individuals, the averages across the research sample are sound. If you take the "How deep is your love?" question, explained Professor Vikram Gupta, the variations were enormous -- from inches to hundreds of miles. But, the average of four feet, seven inches seems a very fair compromise. The most surprising finding was the 'piece of string' result. Astonishingly nearly 800,000 people in the survey said nine inches. For some reason, that is the length the vast majority have in mind when they hear this particular rhetorical question. The correct response of nine inches is now a scientific and mathematical fact.

My New Bike

I got a new bike the other day. The last one was a good decade old and a four inch nail on the road ruining the rear wheel saw it end its days with me. I would really miss not having a bike. It gives me transport when my better half is using the car. It is cheap to run, gives me exercise too and I enjoy it.

A few days ago, I took my first ride in the farm park behind where we live. It involves a dirt road winding through farmland, some hilly. Sheep and cattle often need to be negotiated, as do gates. Twenty minutes at a fair clip is a good work out for me along the track. Well, I came across a sizable flock of sheep and they duly parted as I approached at reduced speed. When I was going between the last two sheep, one went right and the other left. I then started to accelerate but suddenly one decided to turn and run across in front of me. I ran straight into his stomach and he pulled my wheel to one side. I headed for the gravel track and I did a smart thing. I let myself hit the dirt and didn't worry about the new bike. I had no injury and the bike only a scuffed handle stopper. I was so lucky and the sheep ran off without injury too. They are heavy creatures when you hit them broadside. Stopped me dead.

I plan to return when the incessant rain we have been having leaves. I will look out for the culprit, no doubt with a sheepish grin on his mug. On second thoughts, that might not be enough, as they all seeam to wear one of those. Oh well, next time I will be more cautious as the fickle sheep part. I will certainly be more careful with the cows too, as they weigh considerably more.

Unusual Thinking....

While looking at a house, a man asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When he explained that the sun rises in the east, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . .

A person called to ask what hours the call center was open. He said, "24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

A woman got sunburned on her weekend drive in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

A lady has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


A store was discounting beer 10% so the men bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave them a 20% discount.



A woman had a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. A man asked his friend "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"



A lady was picking sandwiches from the sub place last week and asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. The lady asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey.

A man couldn't find his luggage at the airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there. She smiled and told him not to worry because she was a trained professional and that he was in good hands. "Then she said, "has your plane arrived yet?".

Fascinating Facts

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. A. Skinny dipping.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q. More women do this in the bathroom than men. A. Wash their hands. Women: 80%, men: 55%. Although the men that do wash their hands are more thorough than women.

Q. What do 100% of lottery winners do? A. Gain weight.

Q. In a survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. A. Banana.

Q. If you spell out numbers, how far until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand. (US counting method)

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. (Is that all?)

Q. Married men do this twice as often as single men. A. Change their underwear.

Q. This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A. A kiss.

Q. This is the only food that doesn't spoil. A. Honey.

Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? A. Have a look in your medicine cabinet.

Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. A. Wear underwear.

Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, and 9% carbon dioxide? A. A fart.

Monogamy

Scenario #1: You go to a restaurant regularly and have a full menu of dishes to select from. You take what you fancy and enjoy the varied selection. Imagine if one day they said there is only sirloin steak on the menu and that would be the case from now on. How would you feel? Would you miss the choice you had previously? Of course you would.





Scenario #2: You go to a restaurant and all they have on the menu is vegetables and a side salad. No other option. Wholesome it is but not exactly appetising is it? Then on one visit you are asked if you would like sirloin steak with your order. Wow, yes please. From every time then on, a nice juicy steak with each meal!

Application of above scenarios:
#1: A person who has a carefree moral life prior to marriage has plenty of choice and enjoys the variety. Then along comes matrimonial union and suddenly the choice is no choice. Just the same person from then on for the rest of your intimate life. Could it feel restrictive? I would say so.
#2: A person is celibate all their single life. Then they get married and now they get to enjoy intimacy for the first time and many times thereafter. This is so much better than singleness and celibacy.

Summary:
The contrast is one going from unlimited choice to none and the other from nothing to something very nice. One perhaps feels they now miss out and the other is getting so much more. Which married person will be happier? Who will more likely be faithful to their mate? Studies indicate the more promiscuous one is before marriage, the less chance of being as happy and as faithful within the marital union. Obvious really.

Truths For Mature Humans Part 1

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history within minutes after you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

7. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.



10. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.