The Amazing Cactus Flower - Part 1

In my garden, in a corner tucked away is a Cactus plant. The flowers point away from view. So I went onto the land behind the property and took these photos. Even though they are not easy to see for visitors, through the Internet, their beauty travels the world to your place. The individual flower only lasts a couple of days and then is gone. However, the Cactus does provide several flowers over a period of time so the display of flowers lasts a little longer. Amazing plants Cacti.

Marriage

I know someone who has been married for some time. He said for many years, it was a pleasure to be in wedlock. Then several years ago, like a light switch being flicked, things changed. Her moods now are variable and the fun, the closeness and the companionship aren't the same. Sometimes she denies there is a problem or she seems to blame him for how she feels. When she 'crashes', she blames herself. But the cycle repeats seemingly ad infinitum. He wants help to find a solution.

Sometimes he feels the relationship is like two sharing a flat rather than soul mates. She's distant much of the time and yet goes through the motions of marriage as if all is as it should be. However, with underlying suggestion of resentment toward him. He has thought of a trial separation to see if that improves things but believes if he goes, it needs to be for good as it won't change. She cannot seem to help it.

What do I say, is there an answer? Saying marriage is for better or for worse is cold comfort. It's hard to give advice and yet to say nothing feels weak. Plus this is supposed to be a light 'n funny site. So I guess what can be learned from this is there are people out there who are single and wish for happiness in a relationship. Others are in a union but are not really happy. I think being alone is better than in a relationship you don't want to be in. For any who have found satisfaction in a relationship, spare a thought for those out there who seek happiness.

A Colourful Bird In My Garden

New Zealand isn't known for its colourful birds but this one was in our garden recently. I think it may have escaped from captivity, although it was having a good feed of seeds it was finding in the grass so maybe it was wild. It was relatively tame although it did fly off once I got to about 6-8 feet from it.

The NZ Bush

New Zealand is famous for its fern plants. The photograph above I took a few days ago on a bush walk near where we live. This one is a Punga I believe.
The photo below is of three trees that seem to have gown together at the base and separate as the rise upwards.


The final shot shows the forest floor of a typical NZ bush scene. Thick, lush and green. The beauty of God's creation never fails to leave me in awe.

Granny's Visit

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

The little guy grinned at her. "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the wall if you came to visit us again!"

Special Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but over bearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He also recently laid to rest his sister, Virtue and an older brother, Consideration for Other People. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner and two nieces, First in and First served. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Signs...

In a laundromat: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder please return it or further steps will be taken.

In a canteen: After tea break, please empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a disco: The most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Council sign: Quicksand. Any person passing beyond this point will be drowned. By order of the council.

At a cemetery: Due to vandalism, we ask anyone with relatives here please do your best to keep them in order.

At a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARS.

At a field: The farmers allows you to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about $200. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour have a few drinks and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

The Quiz

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way).

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?


Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions).

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. Every animal attends except one. Which animal does not attend?


Answer: The elephant. It’s in the refrigerator. (This question tests your memory).

4. There is a river you must cross but it is the home of crocodiles. How do you manage it?



Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. (This tests whether you learn quickly).

Children Can Catch You Out

One day a little girl was watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink while doing some baking. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Take Note

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the headwith a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan. the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!

Frozen Carburetor

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

Just A Wee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. 'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified; the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. 'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her.'

Portable Listening

I accept technology with caution. I do not assume that just because others embrace a particular technical advance, that I need to also. I got into computers eventually, after a boss I had showed me the wonders of spreadsheets. (Word processing is useful too). I now do all sorts of things on it. It took a while longer to go online. I had to see benefits before taking the plunge.

Cell phones were a different kettle of fish. I reluctantly did buy one for a job I needed it for, but once I changed employment, it soon became a dust gather in a cupboard. I now only bring it out for travel in case I need it for an emergency. Otherwise, people can leave a message on my answer machine at home. I certainly dislike a phone following me everywhere, being at eveyone's beckon call. Telecom providers horrendously rip us off in NZ too, on price per minute.

I have now bought a portable mp3 player. It is a very useful device. I have listened to articles I have downloaded for educational purposes and will now add some music to entertain me also. I won't walk around public areas with a blank look, shut off form all others, as I listen to whatever takes my fancy. That to me is antisocial and uncaring. I would rather interact with others with a smile as I pass and hear the sounds of life around me. After all, the best music one will ever hear is the song of birds.

Lyrics I Felt - After The Lovin'

It used to be that you got to know someone, fell in love with them, you got engaged and then married. Then came sex. This the best way of course, as it is a secure arrangement to be in. When two people love each other and express those sentiments together physically, it leaves each one with a warm after glow.
However, in this world, love and sex have been twisted and warped. Now sex comes first, then maybe love and or pregnancy. This often does not lead to happiness for anyone, because without commitment or real caring for the other person it cannot be any other way.
The words of the song below are about the happiness and contentment that comes from someone deeply in love who, when they express it physically, are left with a good feeling afterward. It was by Engelbert Humperdinck, called After The Loving. In part:

So I sing you to sleep, after the lovin'
I brush back the hair from your eyes.
And the love on your face
Is so real that it makes me want to cry.

And I know that my song Isn't sayin' anything new.
Oh, but after the lovin' I'm still in love with you.

Russia vs Poland

A man lived on the Russian - Polish border, in fact right on it. The problem was the bureaucrats could not decide which country he lived in. After years of his being in political limbo, the powers that be made a remarkable decision. They decided to let the man himself say which country he wished to live in. So a representative from each country called at his modest home and put their proposal to him. Both the Russians and Poles thought he would choose their country. He was told he could think about it first, but he said he didn't need to as he knew the answer already. Poland was the country he wanted to live in.

As the men left, the Russian delegate turned and asked "Why did you choose Poland?"

The reply "I can't stand those Russian winters".

The Bucket With A Hole

A water bearer in India had two large buckets, one had a hole in it, while the other was perfect. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the bucket with a hole arrived only half full but the perfect one always delivered a full portion of water.

Of course, the perfect bucket was proud of its accomplishments, but the holed bucket was miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. So the bucket with a hole spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because I leak water all the way back to your house".

The water bearer replied "I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day as we walk back, you've watered them and I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house".

So everyone has something to offer.

Manly Jokes

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Silly Crooks

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said.

In Louisiana, a man walked into a store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

In New York a female shopper exited a convenience store, when a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Booby Prize

In the Netherlands, a retired engineer booby-trapped his home with the intention of killing his estranged family, but died himself after inadvertently triggering one of his own devices. At first, police assumed that the 79-year-old had committed suicide, as he was found alone with a bullet wound in his neck. Then a detective missed a bullet by inches when he opened a booby trapped wooden chest. Police beat a hasty retreat from the property and called in military experts. They deciphered an enigmatic series of scribbled clues to locate 19 death traps in walls, ceilings, and household objects.

Police speculate that the notes were intended to assist his failing memory. Other traps included numerous concealed shotguns triggered by threads, and an exploding crate of beer set to detonate once a certain number of bottles were removed. It took three weeks to crack 19 of the 20 clues, and experts were forced to admit defeat on the final note: "The 12 Apostles are ready to work on the pebbles."

He was described by neighbours as a reserved but harmless man who enjoyed puttering in his garage. But relatives say he never forgave his wife for divorcing him twenty years before.

Thoughts To Ponder

DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

IF YOU WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?", THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

The Deaf Book Keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" 

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." 

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!" 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" 

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Inner Peace....if

If we can start the day without caffeine,

If we can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If we can resist complaining and boring people with our troubles,

If we can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If we can understand when our loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If we can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If we can conquer tension without medical help,

If we can relax without liquor,

If we can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then we would be perfect. I guess It's worth aiming for...

If we accept failure from time to time.

My Garden

It was a fine spring afternoon and I was sitting on the veranda. I was reading, whilst in the background the birds were in great voice. They approved of the day as much as I did. The warmth of the sun reminded me how tired I was feeling and I was soon wrestling with Mr Sandman, in an attempt to stay awake. I went and got the camera to capture the vista I had before me, then I went for a doze in the lounge. Ah, a lovely afternoon.

When Insults Had Class

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill - "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response - "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.".

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Before We Speak About Someone...

Most of us talk about others from time to time. However, it eventuates that sooner or later we speak of something but then regret what we said, but it's too late. It's out and you cannot take it back. If only we could control that tongue of ours. I read three things we should think about before we do speak of others, and they seem sound. Thinking before we speak isn't always easy, but the more we do, the easier it will become and more successful we will be at achieving it.

First, have we made absolutely sure that what we are about to say of someone else is true? We wouldn't like others to say things of us if it wasn't accurate. Second, is what we are about to say something good? If not, then what is our motive for saying it? Third, is what you want speak of going to be useful to the hearer? If not, then they should not be hearing it.

I generally do alright with how I speak of others but I have found some people are very good at getting me to talk about things I regret. I especially need to apply the above three points with such people.

Hospital News

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.'

Creative Puns

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Lyrics I Felt - The Boxer

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel

I liked this song not so much for it's tune as its accurate reflection of those who live rough. I could imagine it is set perhaps early to mid 20th century. The writer captures the scene like he had been there and lived among such unfortunate ones, feeling their hopelessness.

When I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station, runnin scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters, where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

Asking only workmans wages, I come lookin for a job, but I get no offers
Just a comeon from the whores on 7th avenue I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there

And Im laying out my winter clothes, wishing I was gone, goin home
Where the new york city winters arent bleedin me, leadin me to go home

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him til he cried out in his anger and his shame I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains Yes he still remains

Some back then took up boxing to get a little money but it mostly led to being knocked around badly. Young ones today would struggle to understand the times and difficult conditions they had. It wasn't that long ago either.

Lyrics I Felt - Hazard

Hazard - Richard Marx

This is a song that reflects the feelings of one that doesn't seem to fit in. How people then assume the worst of them and quickly condemn such a person. They rarely can find friends but occasionally a special person ignores the rumours and lies to befriend them. This song is about Mary befriending the singer, but when she goes missing, guess who they blame?

My mother came to Hazard when I was just seven
Even then the folks in town said with prejudiced eyes
That boy's not right ...
No one understood what I felt for Mary
No one cared until the night she went out walking alone
And never came home ...
Man with a badge came knocking next morning
Here was I surrounded by a thousand fingers suddenly
Pointed right at me ...
I think about my life gone by
And how it's done me wrong
There's no escape for me this time
All of my rescues are gone, long gone

The writer of the lyrics seemed to know well the feeling of rejection one can feel if prejudged. It can even lead to wrongful arrest and sentence. Of course, not every misfit is a saint. But for those that are, the lyrics speak well for them. Nice song too.

Lyrics I Felt - The Living Years

The Living Years - Mike & The Mechanics

This song must have been written by someone who had astrained relationship with a father, yet wished it was different, when it was too late. Men (read fathers) are not often good communicators and can be less than sensitive in expressing opinions. Some of the words of this song were were:

I know that I''m a prisoner, To all my father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage, To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper, Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations, I'm afraid thats all weve got
You say you just dont see it, He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement, In this present tense
We all talk a different language, Talking in defence

Chorus:
Say it loud, say it clear, You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die, To admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel, Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future, Its the bitterness that lasts..

I wasn't there that morning, When my father passed away
I didn't get to tell him, All the things I had to say...

I think the song has a powerful tune and lyrics. Anyone who found their father's communication difficult can relate to this. Yet the father is the one primarily at fault if communication with a child is poor. Fathers, talk with your chilren openly, yet kindly. Don't leave them with a legacy of if onlys.

Japanese Banks In Trouble

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.




In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.




Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Looking For Ms Right

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big breasts.

Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"62kg," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 70kg. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Life

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." Here are a selection:

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

Pay off your credit cards every month.

You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

It's OK to let your children see you cry.

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

Always choose life.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

Believe in miracles.

Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

Growing old beats dying young.

Your children get only one childhood.

All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

The best is yet to come.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Yield.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Proverbs

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average drivers.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

A clear conscience can be the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.


What's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Our Existence

Humans think they are clever. We have technology that can do so much to make life more comfortable and extend our life expectancy - for those lucky enough to live in a country with such advances available anyway. It gives people the feeling that anything is attainable to man.

However, imagine if the best scientific brains were brought together in the finest state of the art laboratory. They were given an unlimited budget and told they had an assignment. That was not to invent something new, but just copy from scratch something that is relatively simple and abundant. That thing is a living grass seed. Do you think they could do it? They wouldn't have a chance. These scientists can dissect a seed, examine it and know how it functions but replicate it they could not, nor ever will be able to. It's beyond humans.

When I think of such things, it leaves me humbled and in awe. Awe about how the grass seed and how all things got to be as they are. If the best brains of this world, in a magnificent laboratory, with money no object cannot even start to copy simple things around us, then random chance certainly didn't do it. No, the intelligence behind life on this planet leaves me overwhelmed. When one reaches that state of mind, then one is truly receptive to look upward and worship the One responsible for our existence and the wonders of our earth.

Things To Ponder 2

I used to eat a lot of natural foods...until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

So True

Be kind because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.

A sharp tongue can cut.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

Just By Rearranging The Letters

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:  MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Barbecue Rules

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

Important :
(7) THE MAN TURNS THE MEAT OVER.

More routine...
(8) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another soda/beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(9) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(10) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(11) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(12) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(13) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Answers Given At Exams - Part 1

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes the water safe because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun makes the leaves perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the Tides?

A: The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water there, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.


Q: Name the reef off the coast of Queensland?

A: New Zealand.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: That you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids.

A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.