The Talking Bar

A man went up to the barman and ordered a drink. With his drink, the barman gave him a bowl of peanuts, and from the bowl of peanuts the man heard a voice say, "I think you look great." But the man just ignored it.

Then the man went over to the jukebox, put his money in and got nothing out. He heard a voice from the machine say, "I have never seen such an ugly face."

At this point, the man was confused, so he told the barman about the voices, and the barman said, "The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the jukebox was plain out of order."

The Shaky Isles

The above term was once used to describe New Zealand, but not so much now. It came about because of New Zealand's earthquake activity. Well in a small town in NZ, which hasn't had much seismic activity, the town clock is cordoned off due to its being an earthquake risk. Amazing.

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You go to school, drink alcohol, party, and get lucky.
You become a kid, you play, and have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby where you are loved, cuddled and people bend
to your every whim.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap...




I don't mind it going the usual way, as long as it stops at the point we are young and healthy....

The School Play

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Signs I Have Seen At Work Places

For those who doubt the resurrection of the dead should see our staff at closing time!

Miracles We Do Immmediately...The Impossible Takes A Little Longer.



Your pointing at it won't help, the computer says we have none in stock.

Rule #1: The Boss is always right.
Rule #2: If the boss is wrong, see rule #1



If your boss is a crank, maybe it's because you are not a self-starter.

In God We Trust...All Others Pay Cash.

Light 'n Funny Plus Opinion Summary 2011

This blog started in June 2009 as a light hearted thing. The opinion side was added later to give it an occasional serious note - hopefully not too much so. In July 2010, Google started giving bloggers a hit count so I could gauge visitor numbers, and for 2011, there will be about 4,300 hits in total, or 360 hits per month.

Self Contradicting Phrases - Top 30 has always been popular but lately
Your Name...(Romantic) and Tui Advertisements were two very popular blogs.

Where do you come from?
Since July 2010 as follows:

USA 36.4%
NZ 10.2%
UK 7.3%
Australia 5.0%
Others 41.1%

Visitors from Germany, Russia and Canada have been solid also. January 2012 will be a busy blog month for me with my car sales blog, but there will still be plenty here too.

I have kept the blog an advertisement free zone. It is a hobby and a pleasure, not a business. It is nice to have you along. You don't have to be registered to leave a comment and your feedback - whether a positive thought or constructive criticism - is welcome. So please come again and enjoy.

Groan

The wife was counting all 5 cent and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of mugs saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


An Indian man has just moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

Heard On The London Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your b8%#dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a#%e sideways!'

British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common.' (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''' (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Suntan Lotion

Just as well he brought the roller too!

Pics Never Lie

Here is a photo with a naked lady brazenly cavorting around a party....or is this picture as it seems? Have a closer look.

Signs

Advertisement in a music shop:

Guitar for sale. Cheap. No strings attached.

On a bulletin board:

Success is relative. The more the success, the more the relatives.

Sign seen at a driving school:

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Sign at a barber's saloon:

We Need Your Head To Run Our Business.

Sign in a restaurant:

All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Signs seen on factory walls:

Those who doubt the resurrection of the dead should be here at closing time.

In God we trust, all others pay cash.

If your boss is a crank, maybe it's because you're not a self starter.

I Called It Lateral Thinking....

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...


I was fired for ordering the cups.

Use Your Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What, you coming empty handed?"

A Weighty Subject

Two Boy's Operations

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second boy replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Watch Those Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh no! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. What? WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Lateral Definitions

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR - A place where women curl up and dye. 

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold storage. 

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today. 

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

123

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor gives him a strange potion that he is sure will cure the problem. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The doctor replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and works a treat, just as the doctor promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

A Few Random Thoughts

Life is like money, you don't want either to run out.

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

If someone bad mouths you to your friends behind your back, don't worry. They are doing you a favour because they are letting you find out who your real friends are.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Cats

A Late Night Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Some Jokes

I got sacked a few nights back from the soup kitchen. All I said was, 'Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to!'

                       ****************  

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' 

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. 

She replied, 'You're having soup, I was talking to the cat!' 

                       ****************

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

                       ****************

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

                   

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry ok?' 

I said, 'Go on then, just one song'.

                    

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked around and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Daylight Saving

People rarely talk about daylight saving other than to say they like the longer summer evenings. Well I do not like it, and here is why.

1) We have so many time pieces around the place, it takes ages adjusting them, not once, but twice a year. Boo.

2) It upsets the internal clock we have. I feel slightly jet-lagged for a couple of weeks after the change.

3) Why not just accept the natural seasonal changes and work with nature, not trying to always manipulating things?

One thing about the state of Queensland in Australia, they do not do daylight saving. Well done. I wish other places had the common sense they do in this matter.

Spring Is Here

It is now spring 'down under'. There is still a chill in the morning though and the wind has been cool too. The snow is only just disappearing from nearby ranges. However, so nice to see the blossoms out and a little warmth in the air.

Clever Business Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels".

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tyre Store:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

A sign at a radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

The Road To Nowhere

I am guessing that many towns have a road to nowhere, one that was supposed to happen, but didn't. Our town has one, designed to go into a new subdivision, but made redundant by later plans that excluded this street. One driveway uses it for car access, but the postal address is in the other road.

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Ideal Times To Drink Water

Drinking water at certain time maximizes it's effectiveness on the body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs

1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion

1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure

1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

Wise Oriental Sayings...Not

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!

A Quote From Dr Zhivargo

How extraordinary it all is,

what a gift it is to be alive in the world,

to know that you are alive.

You've Won A Jaguar...eh No You Haven't

An Irish "National Lottery has apologised after an error on its website last night led to a host of prize winners thinking they had won a Jaguar XK convertible. The car, worth €150,000 was up for grabs as part of a special promotion. However, it was only supposed to go to whoever won the jackpot. But an error on the National Lottery website meant that anyone who checked their ticket online and won a prize was told they also won a new convertible.

The National Lottery said it was very sorry for the mix up, but would not be offering any compensation."

That would be disappointing. Now if it happened in the USA...

Annoying Phone Call

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

The Tywyn Train

It is 100 years since the birth of Thomas the Tank Engine creator, Rev W Awdry. When I went on a train ride in Wales some years ago, I wondered why the train had a Thomas the Tank Engine face on it. Apparently, the narrow-gauge former slate railway running inland from Tywyn in mid-Wales was the world's first preserved line, its society being formed in 1951 and WV Awdry was one of its earliest members. "He came and volunteered for the first time in '52. He and his family had a fortnight's holiday in Tywyn and he worked as a guard," says David Mitchell, the line's former managing director. "He used to come and oil fishplates and work on the track and things like that in his younger days. And when he died he left us the contents of his study which we have recreated here."

I can only assume his connection with the rail line led to the face. Whether I am correct on that or not, the article I read at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13872542 reminded me of that trip. The photograph below I took the day I visited.

Cruel Advertisement

When you put up a web page explaining a phobia, inserting an advertisement that may evoke that very fear would be cruel, don't you think? Well, that is what one website did.


I cannot believe this was an accident. How often do you see and advert with a duck looking at you? Yet it appeared on a page featuring a phobia of people fearing a duck is looking at them. An unusual phobia I agree, but to do this was cruel indeed...

Hares And Hounds

The reality of the animal kingdom is that a creature is either a hare or a hound; that cannot alter that simple fact. The expression "to run with the hares and chase (or hunt) with the hounds" means that someone changes sides when it suits them or the situation makes it seem advantageous. However, in the long run, they will find it simply doesn't work. It shows a lack of loyalty and principles. You will end up being trusted by no one.

Of course, that won't stop some people trying...

Tui Advertisements

In NZ, we have a beer brand Tui. It's billboard advertisements feature a statement, followed by "Yeah, right". The last comment sarcastically means no one believes that. See below for a selection:

Well it has caught on, and some idiot is planking on top of the sign.

A nice compliment, but don't believe it...apparently.

It does work....technically but who would have the composure to try it?

That's right, blame the dog for your indiscretion.

And a few more....