I Get It...Or Maybe Not

I get...

If you find you are going to argue with yourself, try to find common ground promptly as things can soon turn pear-shaped.

Women don't nag, they repeat proactive instructions.

I turned down an acting role for the movie Lassie. I didn't want to play the lead.

Never lose sight of the importance of spectacles.

My wife asked me to pass the lip balm but I accidentally passed super glue. Understandably, she's still not talking to me!

I don't get...

I went to a megalomaniac meeting and as background music, they had 'Everybody wants to rule the world'.

I went on a skiing holiday but it went downhill very quickly.

I saw an advert saying this is the last wallet I'll ever need. I was thinking what do they know about my life expectancy that I don't?

They say there's a weird person on every crowded street. I don't see them, no matter how long I stare at everyone. 

I don't know why someone stole my antidepressants. All I would say to them is "I hope you are happy now".