Beer Drinker Vs Non Beer Drinker

Non Beer Drinker: How much beer do you drink a day?

Beer Drinker: Two six-packs.

NBD:  How much does that cost?

BD: Approximately $10 each.

NBD: How long have you been drinking that much?

BD: 20 years.

NBD:  So that's $140 per week, umm about $7,000 per year for 20 years equals $140,000. With compound interest of 5%...my calculator says 261,607.85. You could have bought a Ferrari with that money.

BD: So where's your Ferrari?


Disclaimer: In this PC world I must point out I do not endorse heavy drinking. Alcohol should be consumed in moderation (or not at all) and the above mentioned amount is immoderate. But what it shows is how calculating saving in such a way does not usually translate to money actually saved. Often we spend it on something else. 

The Ventriloquist And The Blonde

A ventriloquist is doing a show where a series of jokes done by his assistant dummy.

A blonde woman has had enough of this, jumps to her feet and says "I am sick of your endless blonde jokes. It stereotyping certain women and that is just not fair".

The ventriloquist relies "I'm sorry if I have offended you and ..."

The blonde woman interrupts "You keep out of this, I'm talking to your mate".

Harden Up!

Tomato Processor

Occasionally we get a large amount of tomatoes and the issue is what do you do with them. They are such a versatile culinary vegetable (botanically a fruit I know) but to process large quantities is a problem. This is where the contraption below comes in. I got it decades ago when a company representative came to the retail store I worked in and told me how good they were. I obtained one and found it was marvellous.

You cut each piece in half or quarter, feed them in the top and pulp comes out out the front and the skins to the side. Place a provided container for the pulp and another for the discarded portion. You need to put the skins through again to get the last of the juice. Then you can freeze portions of the pulp for when needed.

A fantastic item. I don't know if they still make them as things today are done with machines rather than by hand and you do have to turn a crank handle. It's easy enough to do though. If you do have access to bulk tomatoes and can get your hands on one of these, they are great. They are made in Italy by Velox and I found this link for one (click here), so they still are available.

How Women Differ From Men

My wife is very good making things with her hands. She is very practical. However, one thing she cannot do is cut bread straight. We make our own bread so it isn't sliced so when she cuts the bread, within two slices the angle is extreme. She starts in the right place, but by the time she reaches the breadboard, she has cut well into the loaf. This creates a wedge instead of a slice. Even the wedge isn't always even and she has even managed to leave the cut face of the bread looking like a wave about to break. I have shown her how I do it but to no avail ;-)

Another area is maps. If I an shown a map, I get my bearings quickly. I work out where say, the city centre is and then my location. Irrespective of which way the map is held, I understand the necessary route. However women I meet say "You are holding it the wrong way". They take it, turn it up to 180 degrees and then seem to follow it. If they don't turn it around so that the map is facing the way it is in real life, they cannot comprehend it. I don't understand why a map has to be the 'right way'.

I don't know if all women struggle to cut bread, but map reading is certainly a difference from men. I suppose the brain is wired differently for women.

How Long For A Haircut?

A man popped his head into a Barber's shop and asked "How long before I can get a a haircut?"

The barber had a full shop so said "About two hours".

The man left.

A week later the same man returns and asks the same question. The shop is full again so gets the same answer. The man disappears again.

Another week passes and the same question is asked yet again. He gets a similar answer and disappears.

The barber turns to his friend and says "Hey Bob, do me a favour and follow that man to see where he goes. He keeps asking how long for a haircut, leaves and never comes back."

Shortly after, Bob returns but says nothing.

The barber says "So, where does he go?"

After a pause, Bob says "Your place."

Saying It Like It Is

Organised people are just too lazy to look for things.

Vegetarianism: Ancient tribal word used for someone who couldn't hunt, fish or ride.

Yes, I sound like an idiot, but that is so you can understand me.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Pleasing others is just about impossible, but annoying the heck out of them is a piece of cake.

On the Internet, you can choose to be anything you want, so why choose stupid?

The Disappearing Husband

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress wondered why she seemed unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

Thinking he needed assistance, the waitress went over to the table and said to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A Language Barrier

A German woman married an American gentleman and they lived in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.....as her husband 
speaks English.

Ed & Nancy

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.  When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While there Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see.." Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."