The Irish Bus Thieves

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'.

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh for goodness sake, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout.

Marriage

Marriages are made in heaven...But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, either the car is new or the wife is.

Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook...but the law allows only one wife.

NZs IT Advantage

After having dug to a depth of 3 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 6 metres, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Kapi-mana news, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 10 metres in his backyard Rangi White a self-taught archaeologist from Porirua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Rangi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

Pic; www.nz2011.govt.nz

So True...

When you're in love, it shows.

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Just one person saying 'You've made my day!' makes your day.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

You should never say no to a gift from a child.

No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

Money doesn't buy class.

It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

To ignore the facts does not change the facts.

When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Life is tough, but I'm tougher.

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

When your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Helping Others

1) When a person is in genuine need, due to no fault of their own and you help them, they get on their feet and stay there. You would call them self sufficient.

2) As in #1, except they do not forget what you did. They then help you and others if and when needed, they they are appreciative of what others do for them.

3) If you help someone who lacks motivation to help themselves, they will remember you when (not if) they are in trouble again and will come for more help. They often move to others once the money dries up to fleece someone else.

4) Even when needing help, some refuse it due to embarrassment or pride. If they get back on their feet alone, good on them. If they can't, then they have to take what comes.

#1 isn't looking to sponge off others, but if not willing to help others who really need it. Selfish.

#2 is the sort that we should aspire to and want to be around. They take help and want to do likewise for others. Kind.

#3 Keep well clear of those who think others owe them, that they have a right to be bailed out even if not trying themselves. Bludgers.

#4 needs to swallow the pride or whatever, and try to be like #2. Foolish.

What I hate to see is #3 taking #2 for all they can.

To Stop Marriage Hints

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and laughing, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.







Pic: londonweddingdreeses.com

The 10 Inch Lighter

Prejean and Boudreaux were fishing in the Bayou when Prejean pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Boudreaux for a light.
'Ya, ma fren, I tink I haff a lighter,' Boudreaux replied with a Cajun accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Wow!' exclaimed Prejean, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Boudreaux, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Prejean asked.

'Ya, ma fren. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Boudreaux.

'Could I see him?'

Boudreaux opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Prejean says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Prejean asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Prejean sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Louisiana sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Prejean yells at Boudreaux, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Boudreaux answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Flying Solo

A pilot of a two seater plane has a heart attack and dies.

A young lady frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

Hand Made Cards

My wife enjoys making greeting cards from all sorts of things. Here is a selection of some she just made. I think there are enough to last us for some time. People prefer something that's unique and also very personal.

A Student Who Got 0% On His Exam

Q1 In which battle did Napoleon die?

His last battle.


Q2 Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom of the page


Q3 The river Ravi flows in which state?

Liquid.

Q4 What is the main reason for divorce?

Marriage.

Q5 What is the main reason for failure?

Exams.


Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch & dinner


Q7 What looks like half an apple?

The other half

Q8 If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

Wet.

Q9 How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

He sleeps at night.

Q10 How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11 If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

Very large hands.

Q12 If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13 How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

Any way you want, it will never break concrete.

Magnolia From Our Garden