Lateral Definitions

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR - A place where women curl up and dye. 

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold storage. 

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today. 

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

123

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor gives him a strange potion that he is sure will cure the problem. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The doctor replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and works a treat, just as the doctor promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?"

A Few Random Thoughts

Life is like money, you don't want either to run out.

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

If someone bad mouths you to your friends behind your back, don't worry. They are doing you a favour because they are letting you find out who your real friends are.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Cats

A Late Night Police Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."