A man went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted the man. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Female customer: "Could I try on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Wife shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said the husband. Then to wind her up he replied "But I'm getting closer all the time."
A frantic husband phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, the baby is about to come!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband speaking."
"I wanted to be a priest," the young man said. "But then I thought about giving up sex, then people coming in and have to listen to them telling me the details and highlights of theirs?