Phyllis Diller: Part 2

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?

My photographs don't do me justice; they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.



Source: Thanks to Anne in Canada.