A man admitted to being addicted to brake fluid, but he reckoned he could stop any time.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery and I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought they've lost the plot!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £10! I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
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