I find it amazing anyone could write these comments on the complaints form without thinking what they were actually putting down. I must warn sensitive readers that some of the comments have a double meaning:
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.